Emotions

On friday I lit the candle I made in the woods to be part of the ring of light for baby loss.

If I'm honest, Mikey was my miracle baby as prior to him I lost all my pregnancies. I've just been watching a programme made by Myleene Klass about the problems she experienced before having her son. From my experience most people just assume that all women can have a child whenever they want to...I only wish it was that easy.

Since we got married I have felt under pressure to produce a grandchild for Andy's mother - not the best environment for conception. I half wish we had bought her a baby doll she could have sat on her knee and shown to her loyal courtiers, rather than a wriggly baby who was fantasic at producing some out of worldly scents in his nappy!! I got into trouble because I took him to see Andy's cousins partner without taking her of getting permission. I also was not popular for him having to spend his first week in SCBU as it did nothing to help her nerves. The fact that Andy and I were beside ourselves with worry was of no importance. But that week also taught me that I was not going to break him and that I could cope, most of the time. A good thing as Andy went back to work soon after we got home! So Mikey and I muddled through together! Mostly he was happy so long as he was getting cuddles and was allowed to sleep on Mum! I only assume that he could hear my heartbeat and recognised it!

We never had the nerve to tell her about the problems we had - we also didn't tell her about the mad week which ended with a trip to Evelina's Childrens Hospital in London as WHH decided on one of my scans that there was an issue with my baby's heart. Thankfully London put my mind at ease and didn't tell me he was not a feasible child. So for a week Andy and I had to deal with the possibility my pregnancy would not result in a child. It was still early enough for the experts to suggest a termination and that was my worst nightmare....going into a hospital pregnant and then coming out with nothing; just a feeling of total emptiness. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Lockdown, Day 73

Image
The whole world appears to be going mad - and not over Covid 19 for once, but over the death of a man called George Floyd. Any death is one death to many, but the Americans do seem to be reacting and using this death as an excuse. The riots in various US cities are causing Millions of Dollars in damage (physical and mental) whilst the mobs, which seem to have a high number of white member scream for the blood of a policeman who probably felt he was working within the orders he has been given. Personally I feel they should be yelling at the Orange Idiot they elected 4 years ago. I vaguely remember his administration having a few black faces at the start, but recently it is decidedly WASP and black faces are totally out of sight. He has also threatened to send the army in to deal with the rioters...I am unable to remember any other US President using the military to quash a public uprising in the past. Is it wrong for me to hope that the people of the United States may remember all of th
Read more

How Do I keep Going?

 This week I have totally reached the end of my very frayed tether. I am more exhausted than I have felt for months and I am also feeling isolated, un-needed and unwanted. |Mikey is settled at school, is doing well and making new friends and finding new interests. All I do it listen while he frantically searched for reasons for him feeling f=depressed. When he does come up with something you can guarantee that there is nothing I can do to cure or solve whatever he is worrying about. He also has new people he can talk to so I am certainly no longer needed. I've also had my latest lot of blood tests done. I can't remember my access thing for my results so I can't look at them. My memory is failing even more than usual and I hate this. I'm also in constant pain and I can't do anything that is part of my usual way of living. I really just want all this to end. I have no energy, I can't sleep and even cooking something simple leaves me feeling dead on my feet. All I
Read more

When will all this end?

The UK appears to be in total meltdown abd I have had enough. Petrol is now been panic bought - at least it makes a change from toilet roll.  Mikey's school start was delayed until 10am this morning as Hythe Road was at a standstill = he missed PE but was playing benchball instead - but the advantage was he didn't have to get changed! By the end of today Stagecoach were not even trying to get near school - thankfully Andy got close and picked him up = the thought of Mikey finding the station and getting on the right bus is terrifying! He could have ended up anywhere!! While the general population are acting line brain dead zombies I am trying not to move too much as the infamous calcified blood clot (which doesn't cause any pain...) is absolutely killing me. I am seriously considering having a hot water bottle tonight in an attempt to ease the pain. I chickened out of my afternoon in the woods as I wasn't sure my back would hold out. I'm really not good with pain.
Read more