Emotions

On friday I lit the candle I made in the woods to be part of the ring of light for baby loss.

If I'm honest, Mikey was my miracle baby as prior to him I lost all my pregnancies. I've just been watching a programme made by Myleene Klass about the problems she experienced before having her son. From my experience most people just assume that all women can have a child whenever they want to...I only wish it was that easy.

Since we got married I have felt under pressure to produce a grandchild for Andy's mother - not the best environment for conception. I half wish we had bought her a baby doll she could have sat on her knee and shown to her loyal courtiers, rather than a wriggly baby who was fantasic at producing some out of worldly scents in his nappy!! I got into trouble because I took him to see Andy's cousins partner without taking her of getting permission. I also was not popular for him having to spend his first week in SCBU as it did nothing to help her nerves. The fact that Andy and I were beside ourselves with worry was of no importance. But that week also taught me that I was not going to break him and that I could cope, most of the time. A good thing as Andy went back to work soon after we got home! So Mikey and I muddled through together! Mostly he was happy so long as he was getting cuddles and was allowed to sleep on Mum! I only assume that he could hear my heartbeat and recognised it!

We never had the nerve to tell her about the problems we had - we also didn't tell her about the mad week which ended with a trip to Evelina's Childrens Hospital in London as WHH decided on one of my scans that there was an issue with my baby's heart. Thankfully London put my mind at ease and didn't tell me he was not a feasible child. So for a week Andy and I had to deal with the possibility my pregnancy would not result in a child. It was still early enough for the experts to suggest a termination and that was my worst nightmare....going into a hospital pregnant and then coming out with nothing; just a feeling of total emptiness. 

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