Lockdown 2020 and on

Yet another night with very little sleep...and the pain in my left shoulder and right hand have got worse by the hour. The only advantage of not sleeping is it gives time for thought and reminisence. Last night most of mane was back 12 years and the time before my arthritis was diagnosed and treated...plus the fact that the majority og the drug that I was taking has been removed from my prescription.  This morning I called our GP Surgery, never an enjoyable task and it took over 2 minutes to get to talk to a human. Something that never endears telephone systems to me. Once she had identified me I was told that the drug had been removed as per William Harvey in March. At that point I was in with Costa Chondritis and no mention of this drug was made to me at any point - they even sent me home with some. I was also told it was far too late to get a call from a Dr so I made the point that first thing in the morning at the moment I am in too much pain to even thing about calling and tha...

Andy told me to have an early night last night as I was so tired, I tried but couldn't fall asleep before he came up. He managed to fall asleep quickly so I got to listen to his nightly concert until I passed out sometime around 3. When I do that I think I doze rather than actually sleep which results in me waking up still feeling exhausted - to use my favourite analogy, I wake up spoonless... I had my third counselling session today, I find talking to Andrea very easy; perfect really but I did end up talking alot about my guilt regarding Mikey. Both his eating habits and not having enough energy for him most of the time. We had another conversation about Id, Ego and Super Ego  and how I am too hard on myself, mostly stemming from people around me as I grew up and the person I was in my working life. I would have hated to work with or for me...my standards of what I expected were far too high and pretty much unachievable for me and anyone else so all I managed was to make myself fe...

Another night of not sleeping well, I guess I should be used to it by now!! The Lockdown is being eased a little more now - but not for anyone shielding. As I'm not a single parent I am not allowed to create a bubble with another family...Personally I do not see why we can't do that and good old Boris bumbled and it is subsequently as clear as mud! But they are now opening zoos etc as well as shops from next week so Mikey and I can at least visit those over the summer! I feel an animal filled vacation looming!! He also wants day trips to London which I'm sure we can make happen for him, staying in the UK is fine as far as I'm concerned as hopefully the British summer will behave and I will be able to cope with any hot weather we get!! In order to keep up with Mikey I really need to find some energy from somewhere...my fatigue is getting worse every day and I feel as though I'm wading through treacle all the time. It gets to me as I feel that I'm letting my famil...

My brain is still overworking at night. Last night it was thinking rather too much about how I have avoided Cancer for the second time and trying to work out the odds of continuing to do just that! Not really ideal for a peacful nights rest, but it would not give up! I was also thinking about the person I used to be and was very aware of how I used to be extremely hard on myself pertaining to results I expected to achieve. But it wasn't just my results, it was the results of people I worked with as well. If their self expectations didn't match up to mine then they weren't good enough...|Much of the time I would then re-do them again until I got the result I was insisting was essential and required. This was me when I worked in Dover...no wonder my team hated me and I ended up in Hospital for 6 weeks and nearly died. I ran myself into the ground. I used to arrive at about 7.30 am as Europe was already up and working by then, I would keave after 6 most days and 7 pm a few lim...

Today is proving to be a challenge...I was up and hiding in the bathroom at 3am this morning just to escape from Andy's snoring! Last nights effort was seriously impressive and even my headphones with spotify playing as loud as I could take it was not enough to block his concerto out! My other problem last night was the way my brain wasin full 'dash around the planet' mode. My main worries were about the people who currently occupy this world. I have been shut in the house since the end of March without going anywhere. Yet, as lockdown starts to be eased, they dash out to protest about the death of a drug taking, armed robber in America. I know I have only visited one city in that country, but at the time I was there seeing police men who were armed terrified me. I certainly wouldn't have fought them, but then again I am a privileged white woman so I probably wouldn't have to. But this weekend most cities in this country have been filled with the screaming hordes ye...

Another night of broken sleep...is it too much to ask for the odd night when I don't wake up over and over again??? So far today has stayed dry, but it is grey and really doesn't help my mood or state of mind right now. I have had enough of staying at home whilst the rest of the country appears to be doing exactly what they want. A friend on Facebook (who I used to work with, pre Mikey) has expressed his fear about an upturn in covid cases after all the rebellion this weekend. I agree totally with him, he has been obeying the rules and staying put even though I think it has driven him even more insane than me! He is a lovely person, totally gregarious and happy to give you whatever he can if you ask. He has received a version of torment as he is gay. That really doesn't bother me, when I first met him my predominant memory is how much he made me laugh and he was one of the first people who made me feel relaxed in there. It was very obvious what his orientation was, but it w...