Lockdown 2020 and on

Another night of not sleeping much. I hate insomnia and snoring husbands...He needs to sleep as well, but we need seperate rooms!! This morning has been emotional as Andy and I have been watching You Tube videos of Disney Fireworks! Mikey was not impressed, but I ended in tears as we watched to old EPCOT fireworks, the new one had no effect; in fact I was distinctly unimpressed. But Fantasmic and the old EPCOT still have tears streaming down my face. I have also received a birthday present today. I think if I was a medical student chosing a speciality it would be great, but this evening I am intending to watch Hamilton and there is a bottle of wine chilling in the fridge...so taking in anything serious will not happen! Mikey has retired up stairs and is yelling at a game on his x box. I assume he has his headset on and he is also trying to stamp his foot through his floor/my kitchen ceiling! Hopefully Andy will take him out soon so I can have some peace!! I do love my son, but he needs...

Still feeling rather fragile and my batteries can best be described as flat and drained. The more I try to dig deep inside to raise some energy the less I am finding. Add in how completely alone and isolated that I feel and even dragging myself out of bed is a challenge. My usual loss of voice which happens when I'm tired is well underway and it hurts. I really wish I could just go to bed and stay there until Christmas. I need something to look forward to and I can't think of anything.  My so called family here don't want anything to do with me, my 'real' family are not interested other than to tell me when I do something wrong (i.e. all the time) and nobody has given a toss how the 3 of us are doing through lockdown. The only constant enquiry has been from Mikey's school; and unfortunately he only has 1 more year left there. Mikey has just learnt that next year he is a Falcon! He is quite happy and excited about this - the TA he has had this year is going with ...

Today has been extremely tough...Poor Andy got to sleep pretty quickly last night - but his snoring got going far too loudly so I decamped downstairs to the sofa!! Both cats joined me down there until Rory felt he needed to go out. Because Misty has a habit of bringing presents back (she is not impressed with my hunting skills) Andy has been locking the cat flap at night. Rory is very aware of this but obviously is not happy as he was doing his best to throw himself through the door! I gave in and let them both out and then tried to doze, but I could still hear Andy so it didn't exactly work! Andy himself appeared just before 6 and sent me back up to bed, sleep at that point was not easy as I was very aware that I had a counselling appointment at 10 so refused to let myself fall asleep as I knew I needed to be awake for it! I am now paying for it as I'm in pain, exhausted and have lost any appetite I had. Andy and Mikey are having the traditional Thursday evening KFC, to me at ...

This is what my days are like; Wake up; try to move and wait for the cracking of joints to start. This morning my legs felt as though I'd already walked several miles; overnight they were best described as restless which meant standing up took a whole lot of effort and was exceedingly painful. Bathroom; headed in to get woken up fully! My left shoulder is still horribly painful and I can't ever seem to get it in a comfortable position. So far as I know I have not done anything to it, at least not since I was 13 when I dislocated it, surely that can't still be causing a problem?!? Dressed, got dressed and went downstairs, had a quick chat with Andy and then left for the hospital to get a bloodtest done. Had a quick drink of water to take my morning handful of tablets; I am now in rattle mode... Success!! I managed to get my phone to connect to the car stereo so I could play my spotify playlist! That helped me arrive at the hospital feeling pretty much relaxed and ready to be...

Today started well as I slept last night!!! I think the cooler weather has helped and I slept until it got light (annoying as the curtains do have blackout fabric in them) Then I continued to doze until I heard a Van reversing...Unlike last week when the driver phoned to ask if he could deliver early, this one didn't! As I was only half dressed there was no way I was going downstairs so Andy had to deal with the delivery. I will probably pay for this today as he is now decidedly grumpy! I have also been wound up by a constant ticking in my right ear. I learnt yesterday not to even mention anything like this to my Mum as I will just be told to tell myself I can't hear it. I'm also still in pain from my left shoulder...I am totally fed up with the way my own body continuously lets me down. I would love a day with no pain and some energy; but it really feels that will never happen again. I'm close to giving up completely as carrying on just appears to be full of pain and ...

I am getting better and better at making really bad decisions. Today didn't start off too bad as I had an appointment at my GP for a diabetes check. I arrived to find the surgery looking decidedly unwelcoming and totally shuttered....this did not bode well but soon a man waiting by the staff door was ushered inside so I went to lurk... A nurse called my name shortly after and refused to let an older lady in who didn't have an appointment at 10.20! And once I was masked and alchohol gel washed I was whisked through the waiting hall to a consultation room and then whisked out to make sure I couldn't wander anywhere else!  The older lady was still lurking and apparently her appointment wasn't until after 11 but she liked sitting in the waiting room chatting! At the moment it looks more like a dance studio to be honest... Stupidly I called my Mum after lunch to try to explain to her how I was feeling. I really should have known better as I got zero sympathy or empathy. I ne...

Today is not good, for many reasons that I am finding increasingly hard to deal with. 1. Mikey. I love him to bits, but as he gets older his autism is getting more marked and harder for me to cope with. I think Andy finds it even more difficult and is holding his feelings inside to avoid upsetting or scaring Mikey. I don't know how to help either of them which is not helping them or me. The whole thing feels like a bomb with a countdown we can't see so it will explode when it wants with no warning. 2. Andy. The poor man is on call this week and seems to be inundated with desktop issues that he wouldn't usually deal with  - and as normal the desktop team are not being helpful, So he is stressed and I@m picking up on it and; yet again, feeling useless as I can't do anything to help. Even letting him talk to me hardly helps as I don't understand what he is talking about. 3. Kidneys. I am completely drained, exhausted and in pain. Both kidneys feel as though someone is ...