Lockdown 2020 and on

Back to some kind of normality today!! Poor Mikey has horrible toothache; it has had no effect on his desire to live on chocolate, but we have managed to get him an emergency appointment on Monday! He has promised me that he will be really brave, but I think the most they will do are X-rays as they are not allowed to do any treatment involving drilling etc at the moment.But in the meantime we are dosing him up on calpol and his X Box seems really good at distracting him from toothache! Poor Andy has had a tough day...work is not letting up on him at all and his list of calls seems to be growing by the second. He did escape to work briefly today, Mikey and I got as far as the Co-op and I seemed to be the only person in there wearing a mask. I don't care - I just wanted to stay safe! Mikey didn't wear his - but trying to attach it to his ears is always fun! I wish we could do something this weekend, just to get out of this house and Ashford...But I'm still shielding and tryin...

If I am honest, I am struggling again. My Birthday has been and gone - I really enjoyed my day and evening, but now I'm feeling totally empty as the days ahead are looming, completely empty with nothing to look forward to. There are a couple of things Mikey and I have chatted about that we want to do over the summer, One is Wingham Wildlife Park after I watched all the live walks around the park during Lockdown, and another is a trip to London. The wildlife park feels very doable as it is all sorted for social distancing etc with controlled, timed entrances that have to be pre booked. But London scares me at the best of times, and having seen the pictures of last weekend with a total lack of social distancing happening it isn't making me feel any better or happier about going. Plus I know how exhausted I am all the time and that wonderful nagging voice on my shoulder tells me that I would make his trip miserable for him. Other than those 2 we really don't have any other ide...

Not feeling so upbeat today...but I have coped with an review of how Mikey is coping without losing it. So I am proud of me at least. Last night we had a Zoom drinks party for my birthday and I really enjoyed it! Plus I had a couple of glasses of prosecco so all good!! As birthdays go I really enjoyed it, but now all I can think of is that I currently have nothing definite to look forward to... Mikey and I have been talking about what we would like to do...but technically I am still shielding at the moment and the thought of going out terrifies me...i really don't want to go anywhere until I know I am safe... I know I am being a coward, but as the US have finally realised that kidney and type II diabetic patients are at great risk because of how the virus attacks kidneys. I would rather start dialysis slowly and not as a  emergency. I have avoided catching anything serious since Christmas and my intention is to continue this...

It may still be lockdown, but I have aged another year...Next year is a big one, but I'm just counting down to the end of Lockdown and no further!! Andy has hopefully helped solve the snoring issue, he has bought me a sleep mask with built in blue tooth wireless headphones, that way I can listen to whatever I want and it won't disturb his snoring!! I just wish I liked audio books as it would speed up my reading no end!! I also have a few new books to get through, although mine are not looking the most cheerful, one is even titled Lockdown and is about a pandemic!! But I am not sure we have got to the stage the book is set in!!! I am also looking forward to later as I have a bottle of bubbles chilling nicely in the fridge, and only me to drink it! Maybe the reading can wait until tomorrow! It is now after 2pm and Mikey is still upstairs getting dressed; although from the noise I doubt much dressing is going on! Maybe the X Box is in need of a holiday and a break as well as me......

This weekend was basically tough and horrible. My brain has been racing and lots of things that had vanished have been back and at the forefront of my mind - just when I really didn't want them there. One decision I have made is that I am no longer going to even try to be whoever somebody else feels of expects me to be. I have been doing that for far too long and, if I am honest, I really have no idea who I am meant to be as I've always been trying to be someone elses image of who I am.  At school I was never just Heather, once I was at grammar school I was always the deputy heads daughter, even though I did manage to keep that hidden pretty much for the first year. The only people who knew about my alternative persona were those who had been at Maplesdon Noakes with me the year before - but not to many had transferred to the Grammar at 13 so they could be asked to keep quiet!! My only other problem was that most of the staff knew me, so I did stick out in a group of 30 new gir...

I am really struggling this weekend and I have no idea how to pull myself out of it. If I am honest I am now dreading Tuesday and really have no desire at all to celebrate the time of my birth I would rather just curl up somewhere until it has ended. Last night was better for a while, I was happily sat with a nice glass of red, finally watching Hamilton. I really enjoyed the show, but couldn't even finish half of my glass. I simply lost any interest in finishing it so it ended up clearing a drain. Once I got to bed I lost it completely...I feel totally worthless and useless along with isolated and very, very alone. In my mind my family really have no interest in me and never listen to anything I say. I am only heard if I say what they want to hear - but that is not any help to me. I also feel that I need to take more care of myself and not do what everyone else expects of me as it is bad for me and just makes me feel worse than ever. Last night was scary, I haven;t felt that out of...