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How Do I keep Going?

 This week I have totally reached the end of my very frayed tether. I am more exhausted than I have felt for months and I am also feeling isolated, un-needed and unwanted. |Mikey is settled at school, is doing well and making new friends and finding new interests. All I do it listen while he frantically searched for reasons for him feeling f=depressed. When he does come up with something you can guarantee that there is nothing I can do to cure or solve whatever he is worrying about. He also has new people he can talk to so I am certainly no longer needed. I've also had my latest lot of blood tests done. I can't remember my access thing for my results so I can't look at them. My memory is failing even more than usual and I hate this. I'm also in constant pain and I can't do anything that is part of my usual way of living. I really just want all this to end. I have no energy, I can't sleep and even cooking something simple leaves me feeling dead on my feet. All I ...
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Emotions

On friday I lit the candle I made in the woods to be part of the ring of light for baby loss. If I'm honest, Mikey was my miracle baby as prior to him I lost all my pregnancies. I've just been watching a programme made by Myleene Klass about the problems she experienced before having her son. From my experience most people just assume that all women can have a child whenever they want to...I only wish it was that easy. Since we got married I have felt under pressure to produce a grandchild for Andy's mother - not the best environment for conception. I half wish we had bought her a baby doll she could have sat on her knee and shown to her loyal courtiers, rather than a wriggly baby who was fantasic at producing some out of worldly scents in his nappy!! I got into trouble because I took him to see Andy's cousins partner without taking her of getting permission. I also was not popular for him having to spend his first week in SCBU as it did nothing to help her nerves. The ...
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Next step...

 Sleeping is still a challenge - but last night I got my own back and was, apparently snoring myself!! Well I guess something in my head decided that revenge was what was required!! Before my revenge snore commenced I was doing my best to remove my skin! I can honestly say I have never been so itchy and all I wanted to do was rip my skin off so I could no longer feel the itch... I am also having fun going up and down the stairs, I get breathless really quickly and walking up the hill at the woods today almost had me on my knees. Before I have hardly noticed the hill at all, but now I think I may be dead by the time I get to the top. It is also not making my life exactly pleasant as I'm feeling sick approximately 99% of the time. Driving home in the mini bus left me with a tightly closed mouth as I was so close to throwing up. My next job is to get booked in for a blood test. I really don't think I want to know what my Creatinine is up to now. Although I am interested to know ho...
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Poxy Doctors

I am currently fuming. I SPOKE to a GP who has NEVER actually met me and am now on |Antibiotics and have provided a sample to try to grow the E Coli so thye can find out how to gill it (I suggested shooting me) Apparently I was meant to return the sample be 3.30 yesterday. Andy took it back for me today as I'm having a really bad day and feeling rough to say the least. When he got there he was told it was expected yesterday (1st time I've heard about that!!) So they should be extremely grateful I didn't take it back as the way I'm feeling I would had exploded and probably killed someone! At no point in the conversation yesterday was 3.30 mentioned. The only timing mentioned was that I MUST finish the course of Antibiotics.  This morning I was listening to a relaxing hypnotherapy recording to help me relax! It worked and I passed out for 3 hours only waking in a panic as Sainsburys arrived to deliver our shopping. Because of the panic I ended up with a horrific headache ...
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Why?

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Right now it is safe to say that mostly I am struggling. At the moment everything is decidedly dark and the questionnaires I filled in yesterday for my mental health assessment basically say I'm 1 point off the worst possible score for low mood and anxiety. Meantime in 'real life' I just want to cry all the time and I really can't be bothered to eat. Food tastes so bland and boring I just can't see any point eating it. If I can't enjoy food I can't see any reason eating. At least I might lose some weight at long last. On the other hand Mikey is still storming The North School! He has hit 30 Achievement Points and I am so proud of how he is coping and getting settled in his new environment! He has also discovered after school clubs - so far we are off to History Club and Fit Club! Although next week he might try out Trampolining! So long as he is having a good time I really don't mind 😀  I hope Andy is OK - I'm not really sure as he is hardly speakin...
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Sinking

This has been a tough week...Mikey is totally exhausted and getting more and more teenagerish, Andy is snoring for England and I'm getting better and better at not sleeping! It is easy to say I'm tired - but this is now feeling beyond tired. I feel as though every piece of clothing I own has now been lined with lead and it is far to heavy to allow me to move when I'm wearing any of it. Mikey and I have just done his French and English homework. Unfortunately his favourite French phrase is Je n'aime pas le francais. I must remember to apologise to Mrs Allon at the parents evening!  Andy has finally realised that I am now not just dealing with CKD and heart failure; I have now added the peri menopause on top of them and the fact I am totally unable to regulate my temperature is making me even more grumpy and irritable than my usual grumpiness. I am trying really hard to not let Mikey wind me up but it is getting harder and harder. Add on the morons, petrol panic buying an...
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When will all this end?

The UK appears to be in total meltdown abd I have had enough. Petrol is now been panic bought - at least it makes a change from toilet roll.  Mikey's school start was delayed until 10am this morning as Hythe Road was at a standstill = he missed PE but was playing benchball instead - but the advantage was he didn't have to get changed! By the end of today Stagecoach were not even trying to get near school - thankfully Andy got close and picked him up = the thought of Mikey finding the station and getting on the right bus is terrifying! He could have ended up anywhere!! While the general population are acting line brain dead zombies I am trying not to move too much as the infamous calcified blood clot (which doesn't cause any pain...) is absolutely killing me. I am seriously considering having a hot water bottle tonight in an attempt to ease the pain. I chickened out of my afternoon in the woods as I wasn't sure my back would hold out. I'm really not good with pain.
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