Thinking...

This has been a decidedly tough weekend... I was still totally shattered from Thursday and the weather was still a mix of far to hot and equally humid. I have also been fighting my personal black dog with some disappointing results. 

I know my family would just tell me to snap out of it and tell myself I am not depressed....if only it was as simple as that. To be honest I am terrified about sorting Mikey's next school out. The sheer size of the schools in Ashford scares me, plus the behaviour I have seen from many year 7 and 8's also make me far too worried about Mikey's future. In my mind he either gets chewed up and spat out or dragged into being a bully as he is pretty much taller than most of his age, although his lockdown stroppy Mum has managed to reduce his weight!

Personally I have really got fed up with this disease, I am so tired it is horrible; but sleeping is still a challenge - especially during our mini heatwave!! I also now appear to have developed a constant backache. It started in the small of my back, then began pulsing and now seems to have settled around both kidneys, so ontop of feeling 100% knackered I have constant pain, feel sick and the only pain killers I am allowed are paracetamol...a total waste of time as they do NOTHING!! Luckily I am seeing Dr Klebe next month so pain relief is going on my list as well as talking about the new fistula surgery. I am worrying about the state of my veins as I am only too aware of the issues cannulating me cause plus even just getting blood for a test challenges most nurses! The new method uses magnets and radiography leaving fewer/smaller scars which knowing how long it takes me to heal from anything is decidedly appealing! I assume I'll need to see vascular so they can decide if a fistula is feasible for me! Knowing my luck at the moment I'll probably end up with a neck line...

I have accepted that dialysis is in my future, it would help if someone could tell me when! From what I have seen recently, I am sure I have made the right decision over my choice of treatment. I really don't want to turn home into a treatment area, with HD I have to go into the unit so actually get out of the house 3 times a week! It has not been an easy thing to get my head around, it hurts that my body is now at the stage where I am, basically, killing myself as I am unable to clear all the toxins etc out of my bloodstream in the way we are designed to. As a side worry I also can't get out of my head what I have done to Andy and Mikey by being ill. Whenever people tell me that I will get better I get angry. If they would jsut listen to what I have tried to tell them they would know that this disease has no cure and even after a transplant I will still have the disease. Basically I will not get better and it will kill me; most likely far earlier than I should die and if you google it, I have the grand total of less than a decade left based on most sufferers of this. I will make it to half a century, but any other land mark birthdays are most unlikely. I am also very unlikely to make it to be a grandmother...so I may just have to borrow a grandchild in the near future!



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