Unwanted memories

Recently it appears that my brain has been reconnecting parts which were damaged in 2008 when I had my stroke. My 3 nights with very  little sleep have resulted in lots of memories of our wedding flooding back - unfortunately not the nice ones; but mostly things which I would love to forget so I guess it is time for another stroke.

My main recollection is being asked be guests invited by my family why my new mother in law looked so upset and grumpy...Not really a question you want on the day you get married. I was already not happy as she was wearing the same colour as me, but my German friend asked why she looked so upset and close to tears. I suppose I should have said because her son has married me, but at that point I was still hoping for a normal type relationship, even after I had learned how often I was going to have to lie or simply not tell her things as she wasn't able to cope. This started at our engagement party which, to be honest, was her party and not ours. I was not involved at all and had no say in anything that happened - I hardly saw Andy all evening and my parents were certainly not welcomed at all. After we got married she elevated ignoring them to an art form and since Dad died she has not said a word to my Mum. Both she and her partner have made it very clear that I am not part of this family and have never made me feel welcome at any time. 

I can say with all honesty, that the only person I have ever hoped would die a slow and painful death is her. Covid let me down as she certainly hasn't obeyed social distancing etc but the virus is probably terrified of being inside her. I can never forgive her for ignoring me the day my Dad died and I needed to find someone to look after Mikey, for hanging around at the hospital when I was in labour just so she would see Mikey first. I certainly didn't ask her to be there - I assume she just decided she was allowed as her sister had been a birthing partner for her daughter in law. We have never been close and since my my kidney problems have started she keeps getting kidney infections - a little like the skin cancer she got after her father was diagnosed with one and treated - her treatment appears to be none existent.

I also can never forgive her for telling Mikey that one time I went into Hospital that I wasn't coming out. The poor child is still terrified that every time I go in I am going to die. I am trying to convince him that the hospital is there to look after me, but it is hard as he loves his grandmother and believes every word that comes out of her evil mouth. Dad tried to talk me out of getting married on the way to the church because of the way he was scared she would treat me. As usual I laughed it off but he was so right. She is also the reason he went to her mothers cremation as he was scared about how she would behave and he wanted to protect me. If he was still here I know he would have visited her and read the riot act. I wish it was possible to divorce in laws and that Andy and I could just move away and not run the risk of EVER bumping into her or see her again. If I do it is going to take all of my strength to be civil and not slap her. But I do not want to sink to the level she operates to and feels is acceptable behaviour. (TO be honest, I'm not sure I could sink that low...) 



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