Getting harder

 I've had my blood results back - thankfully my iron is pretty much at a normal/acceptable level but I am still completely exhausted and an energy free zone in all things.

Andy is currently asleep again (If he snores I am not responsible for my actions) and Mikey has retired upstairs after spending a morning being unbelievably annoying. I am also not liking the pleasure he seems to find in slapping or hitting me. I am feeling even more isolated, useless and that being here is a total waste of space, time and effort.

At the moment there is nothing I can think of to do to try to cheer myself up. I certainly don't want to try some of the things my head is suggesting - although some of them would end this issue for me. I hate feeling this worthless but it is just getting more and more frequent and I don't know what to do. There is no point phoning my GP as they really do not give a toss and mental health is way down their lidt of problems that need urgent help. The counsellor they sent me to see achieved nothing and I felt it was a waste of time - but of course being me I didn't say that to anyone. 

I have just had to reapply for PIP - this appears a waste of time to me as I have a Chronic disease and it will NEVER improve or be cured, yet I still get a novel worth of forms to fill in so they can reject my plea again and I have to fight for 2 years to get the payment I am entitled to whilst they pay noting and just keep saying no in the hope I will give up and go away and get on with dieing. And then they claim total surprise when so many rejected claimants kill themselves as they just can't cope or fight anymore.

 Mikey has been fitted for most of his school uniform. We still need to get trousers and shirts whilst awaiting for his blazer to arrive. It was actually painful to see him wearing a Lenham Blazer to check for size when that is where he should be going so they can care for him rather than letting the North loose him in the 200 new year 7 students. I am so scared that the North is going to be a massive mistake and then we are going to have to repair Mikey yet again. It was tough enough getting him through the 1st Lockdown and then the bullying, and I am really not strong enough to do this now.


I've had a really tough afternoon...I think I may be cried out finally and I think I have seen some peoples true colours. What has really pissed me off is the amount or support etc I have provided for them, bur when I need some I am basically called blaze and naive and told that I don't know what I'm talking about. What hurts even more is the way they go on about being kind! It obviously only applies to yourself - not to other people. I feel I now understand too much regarding why Caroline Flack killed herself, constant fighting to stay smiley  is impossible and eventually you just have to stop and try to find a way to try to look after and heal yourself...


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