Lost

 I am finding it increasingly difficult to explain how I am feeling at the moment.

Tuesday was wonderful, we all wnt to visit the Tower of London as a family, we bumped into a friend on our way to the station and I got onto the train without a panic attack. The first time that has happened for a very long time.

The actual journey was fast and smooth, the hike to the underground exhausting for me, but we made it to the Tower and gained entry with no problems! Luckily we managed to get straight onto a Warders tour and luckily had Beefy409 as our guide!! He posts frequently on Facebook and his videos and other stuff kept me happily occupied and wanting to visit the Tower all through the various lockdowns and restrictions! He was brilliant, educational and decidedly entertaining, although I'm still not sure about their uniform with a kilt!

Luckily the weather stayed fine until we went to a cafe for lunch and a quick dash across to the White Tower meant we were occupied until it all dried up! I need to do back as we still have to see everything there! But the timed entry meant it was never busy enough to stress me. Although I feel Russian Mothers need the be educated in the use of deodorant!

Getting back to the station finished me off. At one point I was stood on a 'landing' on a flight of steps up to Tower Hill Station feeling that I was not able to take another step, luckily I could lean on a wall as we waited for our Tube and Mikey amused me by insisting on hanging onto a strap rather than sitting! But St Pancras at the speed Andy wanted to want took even more out of me and luckily out train was waiting so I could collapse as we were whisked back to Ashford.

Wednesday was interesting....moving was a decided challenge and I had to drive to WHH for more blood tests and my usual blood letter has informed me that I am now even more difficult to get and blood out of! And once my fistula is formed they can only use my right arm... As a result I now have a lovely bruise on the back of my right hand.

Once I got home all I wanted to do was go back to sleep...food has no real interest to me at all and I have zero energy, itch and feel sick all the time. I have had enough of this. I'm living in a town with no close friends and mostly just people who hate me and want me to get on and die. One of whom I have offered to help as they have recently been diagnosed with this horrific disease - the response is resoundingly silent. WHY THE HELL DO I BOTHER.

All I really want right now is a dog. Cats are lovely, but our 2 are too independant and are definitely not lap cats and I NEED love and affection right now. I'm feeling continuously lonely and isolated. I'm not sure where home really is; I just know that it is not where I am. I would give anything to just get away for a weekend, to relax and try to recharge somehow - or even just have a bloody good cry.



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