Too much thinking time

 I am really struggling at the moment, this heat is far too much for me and my mood is getting continuously darker and harder to cope with.

Last night I got annoyed with Andy. Casualty had a story line about a Kidney patient waiting for a transplant, I said I totally understood the patients feeling of having totally no control, and that I knew how he felt. I was told not to be depressing ant I only felt like that as I am ill and that I will feel better when I have had some treatment. This put me into an even worse frame of mind as there is NO CURE for CKD and even a transplant just delays the inevitable for a while, but you will still have the disease. We have had this conversation before and he has seen how annoyed I get when someone asks when I will get better. I want a t-shirt with the definition of chronic on it. 

When I went to bed my brain went into overdrive and I've worked out why I don't now who I am anymore. For the whole of this century  and for quite a wile before I have just tried to be the person everybody else thinks I should be. SO now I have absolutely no idea who I really am. I've told people what they want to hear, not what I think and I've spent all my time walking on egg shells around them so they don't get upset. So, as a result, I'm confused, angry and isolated. I obviously have far too many narcissists around me.

I only wish I didn't feel so isolated all the time. I really don't want to be here feeling like this. I would love to just have a day when I don't feel sick, ache everywhere and get random stabbing pains. I am so fed up at being told be Drs at the GP that kidney's  don't feel pain. I only wish mine believed them - I certainly don't.




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