Lockdown, Day 96

Today was counselling again. My measures have improved buti have a lot of work to do in the next 3 sessions. I have to stop thinking I can do everything and start to rely on other people for support. I am not an island and it takes a village to raise children. My problem is I've always just relied on me as I can do whatever to the level I feel is needed and I feel nobody else can. 

This has been my downfall in many situations. I run myself into the ground trying to do too much and achieve totally unachievable goals. I should know better as it nearly killed me in2008  and if it had succeeded neither me nor Mikey would exist now... 

But how do I know who I can trust? My main aim is always to have a support network for Andy and Mikey in the event anything untoward happens to me. But I've never ever considered that I either need or deserve a support network for me. If I cant cope I dont deserve it in my head...How do I change that?

I pretty much feel that I deserve to feel isolated. I'm not important enough to warrant any extra love or support. If I was I would have it.

My brain is going to have far to much to think about tonight...

my last completed picture...very original as I redesigned one part as I thought I'd run out of crystals!! And I still hate the square ones...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Lockdown, Day 73

Image
The whole world appears to be going mad - and not over Covid 19 for once, but over the death of a man called George Floyd. Any death is one death to many, but the Americans do seem to be reacting and using this death as an excuse. The riots in various US cities are causing Millions of Dollars in damage (physical and mental) whilst the mobs, which seem to have a high number of white member scream for the blood of a policeman who probably felt he was working within the orders he has been given. Personally I feel they should be yelling at the Orange Idiot they elected 4 years ago. I vaguely remember his administration having a few black faces at the start, but recently it is decidedly WASP and black faces are totally out of sight. He has also threatened to send the army in to deal with the rioters...I am unable to remember any other US President using the military to quash a public uprising in the past. Is it wrong for me to hope that the people of the United States may remember all of th...
Read more

How Do I keep Going?

 This week I have totally reached the end of my very frayed tether. I am more exhausted than I have felt for months and I am also feeling isolated, un-needed and unwanted. |Mikey is settled at school, is doing well and making new friends and finding new interests. All I do it listen while he frantically searched for reasons for him feeling f=depressed. When he does come up with something you can guarantee that there is nothing I can do to cure or solve whatever he is worrying about. He also has new people he can talk to so I am certainly no longer needed. I've also had my latest lot of blood tests done. I can't remember my access thing for my results so I can't look at them. My memory is failing even more than usual and I hate this. I'm also in constant pain and I can't do anything that is part of my usual way of living. I really just want all this to end. I have no energy, I can't sleep and even cooking something simple leaves me feeling dead on my feet. All I ...
Read more

When will all this end?

The UK appears to be in total meltdown abd I have had enough. Petrol is now been panic bought - at least it makes a change from toilet roll.  Mikey's school start was delayed until 10am this morning as Hythe Road was at a standstill = he missed PE but was playing benchball instead - but the advantage was he didn't have to get changed! By the end of today Stagecoach were not even trying to get near school - thankfully Andy got close and picked him up = the thought of Mikey finding the station and getting on the right bus is terrifying! He could have ended up anywhere!! While the general population are acting line brain dead zombies I am trying not to move too much as the infamous calcified blood clot (which doesn't cause any pain...) is absolutely killing me. I am seriously considering having a hot water bottle tonight in an attempt to ease the pain. I chickened out of my afternoon in the woods as I wasn't sure my back would hold out. I'm really not good with pain.
Read more