Lockdown 2 - How do I find some Energy

 My mental wellbeing has had one heck of a knock this weekend. I spent all of last week actually feeling fragile, but over the weekend it had increased in its ferocity. 

I am totally exhausted and sleeping is not helping it ease in the slightest. If I'm honest I could happily fall asleep and stay that way for as long as possible. A second Coma is exceedingly appealing right now. When I am awake the pains and aches are getting progessively worse. My elbows are so painful I just want to cry. I can't phone my GP as telling them I have no energy and just ache sounds pathetic; but it is affecting my everyday life now. Moving hurts and my head is so dizzy all the time walking or moving in a straight line simply doesn't happen. I know my GP will just tell me that it is all linked to my CKD and there is nothing that can be done. Does this mean I know have years of this ahead of me and how do I get to enjoy my existance again? If I can't what is the point of carrying on? Maybe it is time for a trip to Switzerland to fall into an eternal sleep so I don't have to think anymore.

It is not just my elbows that ache, every single joint seems to ache, grate on movement and has stabbing pains as very odd intervals. Basically my body is fighting me every second and it is getting harder and harder to find reasons to carry on. I know I should for Mikey, but I'm just getting more and more depressed and that is something he really doesn't wand or need to see. Even simple things leave me feeling washed out and exhausted. Washing and drying my hair is painful and leaves me desperate for sleep to recover even a little from it. The idea of shaving all my hair off is very close to happening. Anyone who knows me will realise that it is really getting to me as my hair is one of the few parts of me that I actually love; shaving it off is the last thing that I would ever want to do.

Feeling so alone here is not helping me either. the few members of family that are here want nothing to do with me; this also leaves Andy and Mikey without support which leaves me feeling even more isolated and worried. Everything is always on the terms of 1 person and I do not want her to have any hold or control over Mikey. I don't want done to him what was done to Andy.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

How Do I keep Going?

 This week I have totally reached the end of my very frayed tether. I am more exhausted than I have felt for months and I am also feeling isolated, un-needed and unwanted. |Mikey is settled at school, is doing well and making new friends and finding new interests. All I do it listen while he frantically searched for reasons for him feeling f=depressed. When he does come up with something you can guarantee that there is nothing I can do to cure or solve whatever he is worrying about. He also has new people he can talk to so I am certainly no longer needed. I've also had my latest lot of blood tests done. I can't remember my access thing for my results so I can't look at them. My memory is failing even more than usual and I hate this. I'm also in constant pain and I can't do anything that is part of my usual way of living. I really just want all this to end. I have no energy, I can't sleep and even cooking something simple leaves me feeling dead on my feet. All I
Read more

Worried

 We are now the day before Mikey starts at The North School....all they have done today is worry me even more that this is the wrong place for my son. I know all parents are protective - but he took so long to have and I really do not trust them to look after him properly. We have been provided a timetable which states that his first lesson is PE - Yr 7 parents have been told not to send PE Kit in tomorrow.... Also, he is in group 7x3....but the timetable has him in 7x2. If they can't send the right timetable how can I trust them to look after the most valuable thing I have? The chair of Governors has also sent a letter about the school joining the Swale Academies Trust. From what I have heard about this on local news I do not want my child at a school under their control. How can I get him out of there? Since I started writing this |I have e-mailed the Head asking why everything is so disorganised the day before they start and have said it will not help kids with autism as everyth
Read more

Lockdown, Day 90

Image
Definitely thinking backwards today!! 10 years ago Andy had to take me to Hospital for monitoring as I couldn't feel the baby moving and a friend in Scotland (who was also pregnant) told me to get checked! I spent all of the Friday afternoon on a monitor and having blood samples taken. The original plan was for me to go in on Sunday for my induction so I was sent home as they were happy my bump was doing OK and there was nothing to worry about! That was my first experience that I remember of how tired hospital tests make me so I was not in a cooking mood! Dinner ended up being KFC and a tub of Ben & Jerries as I had decided that the bump couldn't put that much weight on in 2 days!  Just as I curled up with my tub the hospital called me and told me to go back the following morning as my blood tests had shown a problem. She did tell me what it was but I honestly can't recall what she said! The plan at that point was to do my induction as soon I arrived, so as I thought I
Read more