Lockdown 2 - How do I find some Energy

 My mental wellbeing has had one heck of a knock this weekend. I spent all of last week actually feeling fragile, but over the weekend it had increased in its ferocity. 

I am totally exhausted and sleeping is not helping it ease in the slightest. If I'm honest I could happily fall asleep and stay that way for as long as possible. A second Coma is exceedingly appealing right now. When I am awake the pains and aches are getting progessively worse. My elbows are so painful I just want to cry. I can't phone my GP as telling them I have no energy and just ache sounds pathetic; but it is affecting my everyday life now. Moving hurts and my head is so dizzy all the time walking or moving in a straight line simply doesn't happen. I know my GP will just tell me that it is all linked to my CKD and there is nothing that can be done. Does this mean I know have years of this ahead of me and how do I get to enjoy my existance again? If I can't what is the point of carrying on? Maybe it is time for a trip to Switzerland to fall into an eternal sleep so I don't have to think anymore.

It is not just my elbows that ache, every single joint seems to ache, grate on movement and has stabbing pains as very odd intervals. Basically my body is fighting me every second and it is getting harder and harder to find reasons to carry on. I know I should for Mikey, but I'm just getting more and more depressed and that is something he really doesn't wand or need to see. Even simple things leave me feeling washed out and exhausted. Washing and drying my hair is painful and leaves me desperate for sleep to recover even a little from it. The idea of shaving all my hair off is very close to happening. Anyone who knows me will realise that it is really getting to me as my hair is one of the few parts of me that I actually love; shaving it off is the last thing that I would ever want to do.

Feeling so alone here is not helping me either. the few members of family that are here want nothing to do with me; this also leaves Andy and Mikey without support which leaves me feeling even more isolated and worried. Everything is always on the terms of 1 person and I do not want her to have any hold or control over Mikey. I don't want done to him what was done to Andy.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Lockdown, Day 73

Image
The whole world appears to be going mad - and not over Covid 19 for once, but over the death of a man called George Floyd. Any death is one death to many, but the Americans do seem to be reacting and using this death as an excuse. The riots in various US cities are causing Millions of Dollars in damage (physical and mental) whilst the mobs, which seem to have a high number of white member scream for the blood of a policeman who probably felt he was working within the orders he has been given. Personally I feel they should be yelling at the Orange Idiot they elected 4 years ago. I vaguely remember his administration having a few black faces at the start, but recently it is decidedly WASP and black faces are totally out of sight. He has also threatened to send the army in to deal with the rioters...I am unable to remember any other US President using the military to quash a public uprising in the past. Is it wrong for me to hope that the people of the United States may remember all of th...
Read more

How Do I keep Going?

 This week I have totally reached the end of my very frayed tether. I am more exhausted than I have felt for months and I am also feeling isolated, un-needed and unwanted. |Mikey is settled at school, is doing well and making new friends and finding new interests. All I do it listen while he frantically searched for reasons for him feeling f=depressed. When he does come up with something you can guarantee that there is nothing I can do to cure or solve whatever he is worrying about. He also has new people he can talk to so I am certainly no longer needed. I've also had my latest lot of blood tests done. I can't remember my access thing for my results so I can't look at them. My memory is failing even more than usual and I hate this. I'm also in constant pain and I can't do anything that is part of my usual way of living. I really just want all this to end. I have no energy, I can't sleep and even cooking something simple leaves me feeling dead on my feet. All I ...
Read more

When will all this end?

The UK appears to be in total meltdown abd I have had enough. Petrol is now been panic bought - at least it makes a change from toilet roll.  Mikey's school start was delayed until 10am this morning as Hythe Road was at a standstill = he missed PE but was playing benchball instead - but the advantage was he didn't have to get changed! By the end of today Stagecoach were not even trying to get near school - thankfully Andy got close and picked him up = the thought of Mikey finding the station and getting on the right bus is terrifying! He could have ended up anywhere!! While the general population are acting line brain dead zombies I am trying not to move too much as the infamous calcified blood clot (which doesn't cause any pain...) is absolutely killing me. I am seriously considering having a hot water bottle tonight in an attempt to ease the pain. I chickened out of my afternoon in the woods as I wasn't sure my back would hold out. I'm really not good with pain.
Read more