Lockdown 2; Struggling

I am mostly getting angry with myself now. I am seriously struggling and I can't see or think of any way out of this.

This morning has been nice, Andy and I went back to Dobbies and now have twinkly coloured lights in the front window. Although I prefer white, it is only fair to let Andy have coloured ones as he lives here too. We also got Mikey some battery operated lights to go into his room; I can only think his mothers love of bling has influenced him on a genetic basis!

We also got 2 robin ornaments for the tree to represent both Grandads. I have always loved Robins and the current thinking that they are filled with the spirits of past loved ones is one I am happy to believe and continue. I know I am overly emotional at the moment, but for some reason it just feels right. For some unknown reason I am meant to be emotional at the moment and not bottle it up, I have spent too many years trying to be whatever others have wanted or expected me to be rather than being who I am. If I want to encourage Mikey to be himself I am going to have to do the same!

Having missed last Christmas entirely I am trying not to get too excited about this year. But I am looking forward to being with my little family rather than stuck in William Harvey with trainee Drs trying to find veins that had gone into hiding! Hopefully this year will be full of lots of hugs and food that is edible!! I'm not even bothered about wine etc, I don't need it so long as I get enough daily hugs and I'm not left alone!!

I was trying to convince Rory that he wanted to sit on my lap earlier but he wasn't having any of it. Misty will when I'm in bed, but not at any point if I'm downstairs. She did sit on Maria in the past, I was so envious! When I'm feeling as rough as I do at the moment I usually end up hugging a cushion, not as warm or soft as her (Rory gets a tad spiky with the claws....)




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