Lockdown 2; Struggling

I am mostly getting angry with myself now. I am seriously struggling and I can't see or think of any way out of this.

This morning has been nice, Andy and I went back to Dobbies and now have twinkly coloured lights in the front window. Although I prefer white, it is only fair to let Andy have coloured ones as he lives here too. We also got Mikey some battery operated lights to go into his room; I can only think his mothers love of bling has influenced him on a genetic basis!

We also got 2 robin ornaments for the tree to represent both Grandads. I have always loved Robins and the current thinking that they are filled with the spirits of past loved ones is one I am happy to believe and continue. I know I am overly emotional at the moment, but for some reason it just feels right. For some unknown reason I am meant to be emotional at the moment and not bottle it up, I have spent too many years trying to be whatever others have wanted or expected me to be rather than being who I am. If I want to encourage Mikey to be himself I am going to have to do the same!

Having missed last Christmas entirely I am trying not to get too excited about this year. But I am looking forward to being with my little family rather than stuck in William Harvey with trainee Drs trying to find veins that had gone into hiding! Hopefully this year will be full of lots of hugs and food that is edible!! I'm not even bothered about wine etc, I don't need it so long as I get enough daily hugs and I'm not left alone!!

I was trying to convince Rory that he wanted to sit on my lap earlier but he wasn't having any of it. Misty will when I'm in bed, but not at any point if I'm downstairs. She did sit on Maria in the past, I was so envious! When I'm feeling as rough as I do at the moment I usually end up hugging a cushion, not as warm or soft as her (Rory gets a tad spiky with the claws....)




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

How Do I keep Going?

 This week I have totally reached the end of my very frayed tether. I am more exhausted than I have felt for months and I am also feeling isolated, un-needed and unwanted. |Mikey is settled at school, is doing well and making new friends and finding new interests. All I do it listen while he frantically searched for reasons for him feeling f=depressed. When he does come up with something you can guarantee that there is nothing I can do to cure or solve whatever he is worrying about. He also has new people he can talk to so I am certainly no longer needed. I've also had my latest lot of blood tests done. I can't remember my access thing for my results so I can't look at them. My memory is failing even more than usual and I hate this. I'm also in constant pain and I can't do anything that is part of my usual way of living. I really just want all this to end. I have no energy, I can't sleep and even cooking something simple leaves me feeling dead on my feet. All I
Read more

Lockdown, Day 90

Image
Definitely thinking backwards today!! 10 years ago Andy had to take me to Hospital for monitoring as I couldn't feel the baby moving and a friend in Scotland (who was also pregnant) told me to get checked! I spent all of the Friday afternoon on a monitor and having blood samples taken. The original plan was for me to go in on Sunday for my induction so I was sent home as they were happy my bump was doing OK and there was nothing to worry about! That was my first experience that I remember of how tired hospital tests make me so I was not in a cooking mood! Dinner ended up being KFC and a tub of Ben & Jerries as I had decided that the bump couldn't put that much weight on in 2 days!  Just as I curled up with my tub the hospital called me and told me to go back the following morning as my blood tests had shown a problem. She did tell me what it was but I honestly can't recall what she said! The plan at that point was to do my induction as soon I arrived, so as I thought I
Read more

Worried

 We are now the day before Mikey starts at The North School....all they have done today is worry me even more that this is the wrong place for my son. I know all parents are protective - but he took so long to have and I really do not trust them to look after him properly. We have been provided a timetable which states that his first lesson is PE - Yr 7 parents have been told not to send PE Kit in tomorrow.... Also, he is in group 7x3....but the timetable has him in 7x2. If they can't send the right timetable how can I trust them to look after the most valuable thing I have? The chair of Governors has also sent a letter about the school joining the Swale Academies Trust. From what I have heard about this on local news I do not want my child at a school under their control. How can I get him out of there? Since I started writing this |I have e-mailed the Head asking why everything is so disorganised the day before they start and have said it will not help kids with autism as everyth
Read more