Lockdown, Day 81

Another night of not sleeping well, I guess I should be used to it by now!!

The Lockdown is being eased a little more now - but not for anyone shielding. As I'm not a single parent I am not allowed to create a bubble with another family...Personally I do not see why we can't do that and good old Boris bumbled and it is subsequently as clear as mud! But they are now opening zoos etc as well as shops from next week so Mikey and I can at least visit those over the summer! I feel an animal filled vacation looming!! He also wants day trips to London which I'm sure we can make happen for him, staying in the UK is fine as far as I'm concerned as hopefully the British summer will behave and I will be able to cope with any hot weather we get!!

In order to keep up with Mikey I really need to find some energy from somewhere...my fatigue is getting worse every day and I feel as though I'm wading through treacle all the time. It gets to me as I feel that I'm letting my family down on so many fronts, it feels as though all I do is slow them down and cause more and more problems that are certainly not helping Mikey, he is still terrified that I'm going to drop dead with no warning, leaving him on his own to cope with a life he doesn't want to deal with.

I have my 3rd counselling session tomorrow at 10am. I really don't want to admit I'm feeling even more confused and lost - but I am and I have no idea how to snap out of this. I know full well my family would just tell me to stop being dramatic and pull myself together; but they also think I can think myself better and my kidney's will amazingly recover and start working again. The fatigue and pain I have every day is in my mind and is not real. Likewise my worry about Mikey is without foundation and he will be fine. How do I get through to them how I really feel - every time I try to tell any of them I just end up being talked at and lectured about how all my problems are jsut in my head. The one person who did get me was Dad, I wish he was around for me to talk to. Lockdown and the way life is changing has really got to me and I am fed up at struggling all the time.

                                            Dad and Mikey the day he was let out of SCBU.

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