Lockdown, Day 81

Another night of not sleeping well, I guess I should be used to it by now!!

The Lockdown is being eased a little more now - but not for anyone shielding. As I'm not a single parent I am not allowed to create a bubble with another family...Personally I do not see why we can't do that and good old Boris bumbled and it is subsequently as clear as mud! But they are now opening zoos etc as well as shops from next week so Mikey and I can at least visit those over the summer! I feel an animal filled vacation looming!! He also wants day trips to London which I'm sure we can make happen for him, staying in the UK is fine as far as I'm concerned as hopefully the British summer will behave and I will be able to cope with any hot weather we get!!

In order to keep up with Mikey I really need to find some energy from somewhere...my fatigue is getting worse every day and I feel as though I'm wading through treacle all the time. It gets to me as I feel that I'm letting my family down on so many fronts, it feels as though all I do is slow them down and cause more and more problems that are certainly not helping Mikey, he is still terrified that I'm going to drop dead with no warning, leaving him on his own to cope with a life he doesn't want to deal with.

I have my 3rd counselling session tomorrow at 10am. I really don't want to admit I'm feeling even more confused and lost - but I am and I have no idea how to snap out of this. I know full well my family would just tell me to stop being dramatic and pull myself together; but they also think I can think myself better and my kidney's will amazingly recover and start working again. The fatigue and pain I have every day is in my mind and is not real. Likewise my worry about Mikey is without foundation and he will be fine. How do I get through to them how I really feel - every time I try to tell any of them I just end up being talked at and lectured about how all my problems are jsut in my head. The one person who did get me was Dad, I wish he was around for me to talk to. Lockdown and the way life is changing has really got to me and I am fed up at struggling all the time.

                                            Dad and Mikey the day he was let out of SCBU.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

How Do I keep Going?

 This week I have totally reached the end of my very frayed tether. I am more exhausted than I have felt for months and I am also feeling isolated, un-needed and unwanted. |Mikey is settled at school, is doing well and making new friends and finding new interests. All I do it listen while he frantically searched for reasons for him feeling f=depressed. When he does come up with something you can guarantee that there is nothing I can do to cure or solve whatever he is worrying about. He also has new people he can talk to so I am certainly no longer needed. I've also had my latest lot of blood tests done. I can't remember my access thing for my results so I can't look at them. My memory is failing even more than usual and I hate this. I'm also in constant pain and I can't do anything that is part of my usual way of living. I really just want all this to end. I have no energy, I can't sleep and even cooking something simple leaves me feeling dead on my feet. All I
Read more

Lockdown, Day 90

Image
Definitely thinking backwards today!! 10 years ago Andy had to take me to Hospital for monitoring as I couldn't feel the baby moving and a friend in Scotland (who was also pregnant) told me to get checked! I spent all of the Friday afternoon on a monitor and having blood samples taken. The original plan was for me to go in on Sunday for my induction so I was sent home as they were happy my bump was doing OK and there was nothing to worry about! That was my first experience that I remember of how tired hospital tests make me so I was not in a cooking mood! Dinner ended up being KFC and a tub of Ben & Jerries as I had decided that the bump couldn't put that much weight on in 2 days!  Just as I curled up with my tub the hospital called me and told me to go back the following morning as my blood tests had shown a problem. She did tell me what it was but I honestly can't recall what she said! The plan at that point was to do my induction as soon I arrived, so as I thought I
Read more

Worried

 We are now the day before Mikey starts at The North School....all they have done today is worry me even more that this is the wrong place for my son. I know all parents are protective - but he took so long to have and I really do not trust them to look after him properly. We have been provided a timetable which states that his first lesson is PE - Yr 7 parents have been told not to send PE Kit in tomorrow.... Also, he is in group 7x3....but the timetable has him in 7x2. If they can't send the right timetable how can I trust them to look after the most valuable thing I have? The chair of Governors has also sent a letter about the school joining the Swale Academies Trust. From what I have heard about this on local news I do not want my child at a school under their control. How can I get him out of there? Since I started writing this |I have e-mailed the Head asking why everything is so disorganised the day before they start and have said it will not help kids with autism as everyth
Read more