Lockdown, Day 82

Andy told me to have an early night last night as I was so tired, I tried but couldn't fall asleep before he came up. He managed to fall asleep quickly so I got to listen to his nightly concert until I passed out sometime around 3. When I do that I think I doze rather than actually sleep which results in me waking up still feeling exhausted - to use my favourite analogy, I wake up spoonless...

I had my third counselling session today, I find talking to Andrea very easy; perfect really but I did end up talking alot about my guilt regarding Mikey. Both his eating habits and not having enough energy for him most of the time. We had another conversation about Id, Ego and Super Ego  and how I am too hard on myself, mostly stemming from people around me as I grew up and the person I was in my working life. I would have hated to work with or for me...my standards of what I expected were far too high and pretty much unachievable for me and anyone else so all I managed was to make myself feel useless and guilty again. What I was achieving was completely acceptable, Just not what I felt I SHOULD produce. I am trying to replace should with could and may instead to take pressure off myself. Following on from that I need to just accept that I am no longer able to do many things that my super ego feels are essential as my body has learnt to tell me when I am doing too much. I know if I push too hard to following day even getting out of bed is possible going to be as good as it gets. And hopefully Andy and Mikey will get used to that, I am going to have good and bad days and there is a good chance they will not be equal in their appearances...

All of that makes perfect sense to me - but I need to find a way for my Ego to quieten my Super Ego as she is really good at just yelling until she gets her way...One thought in my mind right now is that there are too many versions of me; all drawing and using energy that is in a definite limited supply...how can I ration energy to all 3 of them?


I know these bears are deadly, but I still find them unbelievably cute and I miss having a cub to cuddle if I'm honest!!! Mine is a little large to do that and I quickly fail in my ability to breathe when he sits on me!!

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