Lockdown, Day 80

My brain is still overworking at night. Last night it was thinking rather too much about how I have avoided Cancer for the second time and trying to work out the odds of continuing to do just that! Not really ideal for a peacful nights rest, but it would not give up! I was also thinking about the person I used to be and was very aware of how I used to be extremely hard on myself pertaining to results I expected to achieve. But it wasn't just my results, it was the results of people I worked with as well. If their self expectations didn't match up to mine then they weren't good enough...|Much of the time I would then re-do them again until I got the result I was insisting was essential and required. This was me when I worked in Dover...no wonder my team hated me and I ended up in Hospital for 6 weeks and nearly died. I ran myself into the ground.

I used to arrive at about 7.30 am as Europe was already up and working by then, I would keave after 6 most days and 7 pm a few limes a week. Plus I'd take work home and start again once Andy and I had eaten, usually made by me and I didn't allow myself to get ill or have a break. In fact I pretty much ignored every sign my body sent me saying it was exhaused and couldn't cope any more. I do remember wewent to Andy's cousins wedding and how tired and not me I was, all I wanted to do was sleep! Not exactly sociable and on the way home I just felt yucky. I couldn't give any more details than that. The following weekend I had an asthma attack, I think Andy was at work when it happened and I didn't mention it to him... But the weekend after the same thing happened as I dried my hair. I couldn't call him as I couldn't breath so I staggered (literally) downstairs and collapsed on the sofa taking far too much ventolin! I'm not sure if I told Andy exactly how ill I was feeling, I'd been off work since the Wednesday with a sickness bug (or so I thought) and on the Friday I had been feeling better; but I decided to go back to work on the Monday and have a quiet weekend to fully recover. Andy being Avdy called NHS Direct (as it was then) who asked if my lips had gone blue! Apparently they had and they calmly told him an ambulance was on the way! I don't think they were far away as they seemed to arrive within seconds and I was whisked off the A&E to be checked over. I didn't realise at the time it must be serious as I was taken straight into a cubicle and parked in a bed and on a nebuliser!

By the time i was being seen I felt fine! There was the usual fun getting me canulated and blood samples were sent off. I was busy having another asthma attack and asking for another nebuliser to stop it.As my breathing settled I was asking a nice nurse called Francisco if I could go home yet; He was wonderfully and calmly explained that I was very ill - but they were not sure why! I was going to have to stay with them while I was stabilised and then a decision would be made. I must have been ill as I didn't argue! Although when one Dr decided I had to have my appendix out I did say a resounding NO!! Francisco also expla

ined my infection levels were far too high, apparently the normal for the test tehy had done was 80...mine was over 800! Once numbers got involved I didn't argue and I was then moved to CDU. That was the first time I got worried as a very fierce sister refused to say they would accept me as I was Septic. I was very hurt and she really didn't know me that well! Eventually she agreed and I was moved into a corner bed  and plugged into the Oxygen supply! I was ready to go to sleep by then, but a different nurse arrived to fit a catheter - not a nice experience but good once I got used to it! Thankfully I dodn't remember the colour of the liquid I passed, my only memory is that it wasn't enough and they were really pushing me to drink constantly! I have a feeling that Andy paid too much attention to that as he still hasn't stopped nagging!

There was no sleep my first night as the man in the bed next to me snored ...in fact, next to him Andy is silent!!! It was very obvious the following day that I was totally exhausted and moving me was muttered about! By the afternoon I was moved to a different ward and I had more visitors while I was up there before I was taken for a CT scan. That solved the mystery as a kidney stone, blocking my left kidney was found. I do remember having a collection of Drs stood around me - to me they appeared to be towering over me and I was too scared of them to argue! Apparently I was to be moved to Canterbury...a nurse helped me get ready and all I wanted to know was if Andy had been told! She looked quite shocked and asked if I wanted that done! I said yes, or they would have to deal with him turning up the following day to find me!! He arrived as I was being taken to the Ambulance and followed as I was taken to Canterbury Hospital... He came in with me, a good thing really as I was feeling rather odd by then! I know we met the Urology Consultant who explained what was going to be done the following morning - basically a stent to drain all the nasty stuff building up in my Kidney, to help me recover. At no point was anything mentioned about ITU, comas or anything like that. I even signed the consent form! That is my last memory for some time! I have no recollection of being taken down for the procedure, I do know that I was first on the list as I was considered and emergency - can't have been that urgent of I would have thought it would have been done the night before!! Apparently, Mum was keeping Andy company and by lunchtime they asked a nurse when I was coming back. They were then told I was in Intensive Care and were taken down to see me. In my head at this point I was in a Hospital run by Disney! I'd assume most people in an ITU have very few memories of it so Disney is not a bad option! Andy had to deal with my 2 weeks on life support - but does have to deal with frequent questions from me when I see anything on TV, usually "was that like the machine I was on?"  I've lost count of the number of times I 've asked this - but I'm still trying to fill the black hole I have for those 2 weeks.

While I was happily enjoying (most of the time) my stay with Disney it appears that I was visited by my family and Andys....apparently my Sister had a fight in the car park when someone tried to pinch the space she was heading into, they said they had a very lii relative so Nick told her that her relative was close to death in ITU, she backed off and left Nick to it at that point!! I could have told her that you don't wiin fights with my sister! My family added to my Disney hallucinations by playing me CD's of music from the parks; there must have been some pieces I don't like as many of my 'dreams' got darker and at times terrifying; plus there was one involving the White House, Apples and secret tunnels. I wish I could remember more of it as I think it would make a great film!! But I'm still not sure why there were UK Guards on duty outside of it, along with US Marines in full dress uniform. I can say with some authority that I know only too well why Michael Jackson Liked Propofol so much! But I also know that once you come round from it you are still tired as you don't actually sleep...your brain is active the whole time!

I'm assuming my brain, in all its business, has programmed new pathways in my memories as when I do get the chance to dream, old memories are popping up more and more. A bit of a probelm as I'm really not fond of the person i used to be. I was obsessed with my career and my focus was solely on that, not on being a nice person or nice to know . I feel sorry for Andy having to put up with me as I'm sure it was not an easy thing to do. I was not open to other ideas or other peoples feelings; and then I went the opposite direction and needed more support, affection and caring/looking after. I am amazed he has stuck around...

This was me at the end of 2008, we were booked to go on a Baltic Cruise, but that was cancelled when it wasn't clear if I'd survive. Instead we did a "Round Britain Cruise" which was good training for now as it soom became the "Wash Your Hands and Dont touch Handrails" Cruise...