Lockdown 3; Day 54

 I'm sort of in countdown mode...I need lockdown to end, but I am terrified of being out and meeting people again. I've spent the last year keeping myself safe and away from Corona Virus as much as humanly possible and my brain is still concentrating on that. I know I need to get used to being out again but so many people just ignore doing anything vaguely sensible I am still terrified. But on the other hand I am so fed up of feeling so lonely and having nobody listening to me when I need to talk. (or just ignoring what I might need to talk about)

One thing this pandemic has shown me is that I am stronger than I realised, but also that I am basically miserable and I have no clue how to cheer myself up any more. I'm not even sure that I want to cheer up, I can't remember what feeling happy actually feels like and I'm not sure I could cope with feeling anything. 

My main problem at the moment is coping with my emotions. I just want to cry and sleep. I was going to do some baking this weekend but I just can't be bothered. To me doing anything just uses up energy I don't have; probably why Mikey took himself off for a walk yesterday on his own - he is only too aware that Mum just can't cope/deal with life at the moment . He is obviously ready to move on without me.

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