In pain

 Andy and Mikey have gone to see his Mum. I am very much persona non grata and it is hard to put into words how much this constantly causes me a tremendous amount of pain. I have never been welcomed into her family. I can only assume I am seem as some kind of threat to her. Before we got married she screamed at Andy that he spent too much time with me. At that point I should have started work on convincing him to move away from Ashford. But me being me I just agreed to move over here, away from everyone and everything I knew. 

Once we were married we were never left alone to do what we wanted. One weekend my parents came over for lunch and she also arrived and totally ignored them. I am unable to be that rude to anyone. But in one of my therapy sessions I talked about this and my therapist said she was a complete narcissist and as she has already made her mind up about me being a threat to her world she can never change. As Andy is fed up talking to me about how she makes me feel I am never going to get this out of my head or life.

I just wish someone would actually tell her how miserable she has made both our marriage and life. It has been made painfully clear that I am not part of the family - all she wants is Mikey but I am going to do my best to keep him out of her claws and sphere of influence. If anything happens to both Andy and I Mikey will go to my sister who will ensure she never sees him.

I do feel sorry for her for living such a blinkered unfulfilled life, but she will never accept anyones thoughts or opinions and I am totally unable to live like that. I have no idea how much time I have left so I intend to spend as much time as I can with Mikey and Andy making good memories for them to talk about after I am dead. She certainly will never say anything nice about me. She is the one who told Mikey I was going to die because I was in hospital. She was also the only person I could think of to call when my Dad was dieing to look after Mikey. But she chose to ignore my increasingly panicked calls until Andy called her. Mikey was ill in his room so was no trouble at all.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Lockdown, Day 73

Image
The whole world appears to be going mad - and not over Covid 19 for once, but over the death of a man called George Floyd. Any death is one death to many, but the Americans do seem to be reacting and using this death as an excuse. The riots in various US cities are causing Millions of Dollars in damage (physical and mental) whilst the mobs, which seem to have a high number of white member scream for the blood of a policeman who probably felt he was working within the orders he has been given. Personally I feel they should be yelling at the Orange Idiot they elected 4 years ago. I vaguely remember his administration having a few black faces at the start, but recently it is decidedly WASP and black faces are totally out of sight. He has also threatened to send the army in to deal with the rioters...I am unable to remember any other US President using the military to quash a public uprising in the past. Is it wrong for me to hope that the people of the United States may remember all of th...
Read more

How Do I keep Going?

 This week I have totally reached the end of my very frayed tether. I am more exhausted than I have felt for months and I am also feeling isolated, un-needed and unwanted. |Mikey is settled at school, is doing well and making new friends and finding new interests. All I do it listen while he frantically searched for reasons for him feeling f=depressed. When he does come up with something you can guarantee that there is nothing I can do to cure or solve whatever he is worrying about. He also has new people he can talk to so I am certainly no longer needed. I've also had my latest lot of blood tests done. I can't remember my access thing for my results so I can't look at them. My memory is failing even more than usual and I hate this. I'm also in constant pain and I can't do anything that is part of my usual way of living. I really just want all this to end. I have no energy, I can't sleep and even cooking something simple leaves me feeling dead on my feet. All I ...
Read more

When will all this end?

The UK appears to be in total meltdown abd I have had enough. Petrol is now been panic bought - at least it makes a change from toilet roll.  Mikey's school start was delayed until 10am this morning as Hythe Road was at a standstill = he missed PE but was playing benchball instead - but the advantage was he didn't have to get changed! By the end of today Stagecoach were not even trying to get near school - thankfully Andy got close and picked him up = the thought of Mikey finding the station and getting on the right bus is terrifying! He could have ended up anywhere!! While the general population are acting line brain dead zombies I am trying not to move too much as the infamous calcified blood clot (which doesn't cause any pain...) is absolutely killing me. I am seriously considering having a hot water bottle tonight in an attempt to ease the pain. I chickened out of my afternoon in the woods as I wasn't sure my back would hold out. I'm really not good with pain.
Read more