Lockdown 2020 and on

 At the moment I just need to talk to someone, but Andy has been through enough recently plus I can see he switches off when I try to tell him how I am feeling... My daily sickness has continued and is not fading (an no Mum, telling myself I don't feel sick DOES NOT WORK) I have a constant headache, feel dizzy and my stability is best described as dodgy! On top of all that my brain appears to have left the building. Usually I can just glance at something written and grasp what it is immediately - now I can mis-read things with ease. I am already making sure I read everything at least twice to ensure I actually do understand it correctly. I'm also having real issues cooking; on Saturday I totally overcooked pasta and literally just caught it before it burned. On Sunday I couldn't even hard boil an egg. Normally I don't even have to think about how to execute both with no problems - but now...my brain just wipes short term stuff out whenever it wants to. Tiredness is also...

 I am fast running out of any patience with my cats... Basically they are broken and not working like a proper cat should. Normal cats love boxes and are even known to sit in squares taped onto the floor. My 2??? Nothing...if there is a box they completely ignore it, no attempt to try out "If I Fit, I Sit" and not even a flicker of interest at times like Christmas when boxes are often arriving daily. Also catnip - most cats love it and roll around in extasy getting stoned of the best feline drug around - my 2; 1 sniff if you are lucky and then nothing. I am totally disappointed. Rory chases the red dot if he can be bothered - Misty has never been bothered at all. The only thing they both love are the infamous dreamies and they are happy to OD on those - but I'm cruel and ration them strictly. Today I bought they some new treats which are meant to be chewy etc. Rory has eaten 2 and Misty has licked 1. Since then I have put a couple in their biscuit bowl, they keep taking i...

 We are now the day before Mikey starts at The North School....all they have done today is worry me even more that this is the wrong place for my son. I know all parents are protective - but he took so long to have and I really do not trust them to look after him properly. We have been provided a timetable which states that his first lesson is PE - Yr 7 parents have been told not to send PE Kit in tomorrow.... Also, he is in group 7x3....but the timetable has him in 7x2. If they can't send the right timetable how can I trust them to look after the most valuable thing I have? The chair of Governors has also sent a letter about the school joining the Swale Academies Trust. From what I have heard about this on local news I do not want my child at a school under their control. How can I get him out of there? Since I started writing this |I have e-mailed the Head asking why everything is so disorganised the day before they start and have said it will not help kids with autism as everyth...

 We are now within  a week of starting at the North School....Uniform has been obtained and just shoes and a new neutral lunch bag to be obtained... Poor Mikey is now starting to get nervous and I am finding it really hard not to show how nervous/anxious I am as well. This is really the totally wrong place for him and I can't trust the staff to look after him for me yet. Eventually I hope I will - but so far I am yet to see anything that gives any indication of future care for him. I'm half tempted to call the school and tell that what I will do to them if anything at all happens to or hurts my son. Watching the news this evening talking about a lack of care and understanding for people with autism I am not feeling any happier or confident. In myself I am just getting lower and lower. I feel even more worthless as every day passes and I just have nobody to talk to. I can't talk to Andy as I don't want to add to his problems, but his mother still won't speak to me, a...

Really having a tough few days at the moment. I can't talk to Andy as he has more than enough to cope with as he is back at work now - well working from Home with Mikey and me still getting under his feel and creating too much noise for him to concentrate. As for me, I'm worrying about Mikey starting at the North next week as I am still sure it is the wrong place for him. He is also getting nervous and I am doing my best not to let him see how I feel. It is obviously starting to really get to me a I've had a full blown panic attack this afternoon and the pain in my chest really did feel like another heart attack. But I went upstairs and calmed myself without unloading onto Andy. Mum has just called about a very close friend who has been rushed into Hospital in Norwich after part of her bowel burst. They have also discovered that she has cancer there as well, but have managed to remove all that they found... Her late husband is the wonderful man that Mikey is named after. th...

I am having my own, personal mini crisis at the moment. This week Andy has been off work and we've been busy making family memories together with Mikey...But my overwhelming memory is just that I have no energy and I keep letting him down. That I send him off with Dad to do stuff when I just can't cope. I hate that i let him down so much simply because I'm too tired all the time. I hate this disease....to the outside world I look completely normal and fine, but on the inside I am falling apart and dying.  I also have no clue where I really belong and I know I've never done anything to make anyone proud of me - Basically I'm just a waste of space and time. I didn't take up my university place, marry a high over achieving successful business man or produce a scarily intelligent child... I had a normal life but unfortunately I'm now in a place which has never felt like home and will never feel like a place I belong. As I'm really not in a position to work a...

I have reached the end of my very short tether at the moment. Mikey has decided that he is totally unable to sleep at night - and it appears that if he doesn't sleep neither will anyone else. Just after midnight he started crying and it took a very long time to calm him down enough to actually try to go to sleep! I have still got a horribly painful back and my headache is now well into it's 3rd week and I am sure someone is currently inside my head practising a drum solo. We had been hoping to take Mikey to Dreamland tomorrow - but they are operating on limited numbers and rides so we are heading to the Dockyard instead. Apparently Mikey will be able to row a lifeboat, visit a submarine and a large ship. I'm just hoping we will be able to wear him out so he will sleep and let me try to sleep as well! He is heading to the Rare Breeds Centre on Thursday with Crossroads so we will need to provide a packed lunch without any of the usual school restrictions! I am now dreading wh...