Lockdown, Day 106

I am really struggling this weekend and I have no idea how to pull myself out of it. If I am honest I am now dreading Tuesday and really have no desire at all to celebrate the time of my birth I would rather just curl up somewhere until it has ended.

Last night was better for a while, I was happily sat with a nice glass of red, finally watching Hamilton. I really enjoyed the show, but couldn't even finish half of my glass. I simply lost any interest in finishing it so it ended up clearing a drain.

Once I got to bed I lost it completely...I feel totally worthless and useless along with isolated and very, very alone. In my mind my family really have no interest in me and never listen to anything I say. I am only heard if I say what they want to hear - but that is not any help to me. I also feel that I need to take more care of myself and not do what everyone else expects of me as it is bad for me and just makes me feel worse than ever.

Last night was scary, I haven;t felt that out of control for a very long time and I did not like it. I am definitely going to make more time to look after me and do what I need to. I've spent nearly 50 years only ever doing what someone else wanted and it is too long. I need to work out what being me actually is and will be. If my family don't like the me I am then I am not going to change - I have wasted far too much time doing that during my life and I have paid too high a price for it.


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