Lockdown, Day 107




This weekend was basically tough and horrible. My brain has been racing and lots of things that had vanished have been back and at the forefront of my mind - just when I really didn't want them there.

One decision I have made is that I am no longer going to even try to be whoever somebody else feels of expects me to be. I have been doing that for far too long and, if I am honest, I really have no idea who I am meant to be as I've always been trying to be someone elses image of who I am. 

At school I was never just Heather, once I was at grammar school I was always the deputy heads daughter, even though I did manage to keep that hidden pretty much for the first year. The only people who knew about my alternative persona were those who had been at Maplesdon Noakes with me the year before - but not to many had transferred to the Grammar at 13 so they could be asked to keep quiet!! My only other problem was that most of the staff knew me, so I did stick out in a group of 30 new girls! Luckily the cousin of the other deputy head was stuck in the same class as me which gave both of us a sense of deniability which we made use of as often as we could! I was also lucky that there were 3 other Wilsons in my year, so even though there was a rumour that Mr Wilson's daughter was in the 3rd year, I could still claim it wasn't me! The only time it was a problem was int he 6th form when one teacher was trying to give results to my Dad instead of me. I sulked and Dad did dissuade him from doing that as it wasn't fair on me!

Once I started work I still wasn't me....to start with I was always speaking as the company, once I started to climb up I was still 'The Company' not me - and often letters were not sent to Heather, I was Victoria and various other names over the years and once I switched to Zerfahs, nobody ever got any of it right!

It got worse as I moved up in other companies and the real Heather has vanished from sight. This was due to expectations of work and trying to be a person I really wasn't meant to be. I was not fitted for the job, they were expecting a man and got me who really was not ready for the politics I got thrown into the middle of. The fiasco of 2008 has also wiped her from my memory and since then I have moved on to a new role as Mikey's Mum. I'm not me and over Lockdown I have not really had the opportunity to be Heather - whoever she might be. I am hoping to find out who she is as the world starts to get used to whatever the new normal will end up being!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Lockdown, Day 73

Image
The whole world appears to be going mad - and not over Covid 19 for once, but over the death of a man called George Floyd. Any death is one death to many, but the Americans do seem to be reacting and using this death as an excuse. The riots in various US cities are causing Millions of Dollars in damage (physical and mental) whilst the mobs, which seem to have a high number of white member scream for the blood of a policeman who probably felt he was working within the orders he has been given. Personally I feel they should be yelling at the Orange Idiot they elected 4 years ago. I vaguely remember his administration having a few black faces at the start, but recently it is decidedly WASP and black faces are totally out of sight. He has also threatened to send the army in to deal with the rioters...I am unable to remember any other US President using the military to quash a public uprising in the past. Is it wrong for me to hope that the people of the United States may remember all of th...
Read more

How Do I keep Going?

 This week I have totally reached the end of my very frayed tether. I am more exhausted than I have felt for months and I am also feeling isolated, un-needed and unwanted. |Mikey is settled at school, is doing well and making new friends and finding new interests. All I do it listen while he frantically searched for reasons for him feeling f=depressed. When he does come up with something you can guarantee that there is nothing I can do to cure or solve whatever he is worrying about. He also has new people he can talk to so I am certainly no longer needed. I've also had my latest lot of blood tests done. I can't remember my access thing for my results so I can't look at them. My memory is failing even more than usual and I hate this. I'm also in constant pain and I can't do anything that is part of my usual way of living. I really just want all this to end. I have no energy, I can't sleep and even cooking something simple leaves me feeling dead on my feet. All I ...
Read more

When will all this end?

The UK appears to be in total meltdown abd I have had enough. Petrol is now been panic bought - at least it makes a change from toilet roll.  Mikey's school start was delayed until 10am this morning as Hythe Road was at a standstill = he missed PE but was playing benchball instead - but the advantage was he didn't have to get changed! By the end of today Stagecoach were not even trying to get near school - thankfully Andy got close and picked him up = the thought of Mikey finding the station and getting on the right bus is terrifying! He could have ended up anywhere!! While the general population are acting line brain dead zombies I am trying not to move too much as the infamous calcified blood clot (which doesn't cause any pain...) is absolutely killing me. I am seriously considering having a hot water bottle tonight in an attempt to ease the pain. I chickened out of my afternoon in the woods as I wasn't sure my back would hold out. I'm really not good with pain.
Read more