Lockdown, Day 107




This weekend was basically tough and horrible. My brain has been racing and lots of things that had vanished have been back and at the forefront of my mind - just when I really didn't want them there.

One decision I have made is that I am no longer going to even try to be whoever somebody else feels of expects me to be. I have been doing that for far too long and, if I am honest, I really have no idea who I am meant to be as I've always been trying to be someone elses image of who I am. 

At school I was never just Heather, once I was at grammar school I was always the deputy heads daughter, even though I did manage to keep that hidden pretty much for the first year. The only people who knew about my alternative persona were those who had been at Maplesdon Noakes with me the year before - but not to many had transferred to the Grammar at 13 so they could be asked to keep quiet!! My only other problem was that most of the staff knew me, so I did stick out in a group of 30 new girls! Luckily the cousin of the other deputy head was stuck in the same class as me which gave both of us a sense of deniability which we made use of as often as we could! I was also lucky that there were 3 other Wilsons in my year, so even though there was a rumour that Mr Wilson's daughter was in the 3rd year, I could still claim it wasn't me! The only time it was a problem was int he 6th form when one teacher was trying to give results to my Dad instead of me. I sulked and Dad did dissuade him from doing that as it wasn't fair on me!

Once I started work I still wasn't me....to start with I was always speaking as the company, once I started to climb up I was still 'The Company' not me - and often letters were not sent to Heather, I was Victoria and various other names over the years and once I switched to Zerfahs, nobody ever got any of it right!

It got worse as I moved up in other companies and the real Heather has vanished from sight. This was due to expectations of work and trying to be a person I really wasn't meant to be. I was not fitted for the job, they were expecting a man and got me who really was not ready for the politics I got thrown into the middle of. The fiasco of 2008 has also wiped her from my memory and since then I have moved on to a new role as Mikey's Mum. I'm not me and over Lockdown I have not really had the opportunity to be Heather - whoever she might be. I am hoping to find out who she is as the world starts to get used to whatever the new normal will end up being!

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