Lockdown 2020 and on

 I am still trying to recover from Thursday...I hate what this disease has done to me, even sitting in the car driving has worn me out - it just makes me feel so stupid. How can sitting in a car be so exhausting? My back is still in constant pain and I am close to tears at all times. Basically I am an emotional mess. I am trying to keep up with everything, but Mikey is far more interested in his X Box than me - Mum is just too much work. Andy also has new interests that do not involve me. I guess this is what I have ahead of me; they will move on and not need me at all. A friend asked recently if any other women had been affected by the fitting of PD ports or fistulas. I have not yet had mine done but I am already dreading that it will make me feel even more broken. IN order to stay alive my body will need to be altered/defaced. Will I still be me?

After our first family lunch out earlier this week, we decided to go for a Family trip to Wingham - one of Mums choices as I have been watching the videos from Wingham during lockdown and really wanted to go back in person! (Plus they now have a couple of giraffes - one of my favourites!! My first challenge was driving there using the sat nav in the car! OK, the first challenge was working out how to program it without bothering to read the instructions!! The first route we programmed had to be changed due to  a road closure, but I actually enjoyed driving and am sort of angry with myself for now having an automatic before! I also found that the car has a 6 speed gear box! I got into 5th easily - but it kept going!! I think my excitement woke Andy up!! Timing wise we arrived a little early, but once we'd masked up and walked from where I'd abandoned the car, we were in on time and ready for a comfort stop to start with!  The first animal was a peacock heading for a picnic area...

To be honest, freedom is really feeling like Hell at the moment as the temperature is crazy for England in the Summer! I am really not designed for temperatures of 30c and above!! Sleep last night was best described as challenging. My sleep mask with it's speakers is wonderful, but just too warm in this weather!! I'm convinced my eyes sweat in it!! What would be nice would be a severe temperature drop as it gets dark, then I will get some sleep and might even have some energy tomorrow!! The plan at the moment is to head to Wingham later this week to work on those family memories I need and crave so much. So camera batteries will need to be charged up in advance!! I am looking forward to just having some family time that is as normal as we can manage in these strange times we exist in now. We have not made any other plans so far...I guess we are just aiming for spontanaity! This will be something new for Andy any way!! If this heat is going  to continue I just pray it involves a...

The weather can best be described as a tad warm!! Andy is currently melting on the other side of the living room. Mikey is upstairs attempting to put some clothes on whilst playing with his x box and I am feeling sorry for myself as my back is still agony and any movement just intensifies the pain. Over the last few nights sleep has been challenmging and as a result my brain has been in overdrive. Unfortunaltely the main occupation has been remembering all the ways the bitch known as my mother in law has shown that she detests me over many years. I have no idea what i did to deserve her hatred, I only wish I did as hopefully I enjoyed it! I should have realised what a problem she would be as far back as my hen night. At Andy's request she was invited and a friend agreed to pick her up as it was over in Maidstone (I was living there...) all she had to do was phone the friend to arrange a time. She couldn't be bothered to make one phone call or even tell me she wasn't coming....

An exciting day!! I got a call quite early this morning when I was waiting for the GP to call me from the dealership to tell me that my cat was ready for me to pick up! So a quick COV done with Hastings and I dragged Mikey off at 1.30 to collect it....driving home was easier than I expected, although I did keep trying to move the gear stick! But I was wonderfully amazed by how smooth the drive was. I test drove an automatic several years ago and hated it; the car seemed to jerk whenever it changed gear, this I only noticed when the gear number changed on the screen! The biggest issue was working out how to move the gear stick! Once I'm used to it I need to test what the sport mode is like!! Mikey and I got it started with no problems, and once I worked out how to move it into D from N driving was lovely! Even with the sniff monster sniffing loudly from the back! I'm currently watching a documentary about Covid, Andy came home to find me crying . I know it is silly, but I still ...

Last night is officially classed as a nightmare. The pain around my right kidney was horrific and it really felt as though there was something stabbing it. This morning my whole lower back is agony and I know full well that paracetamol will do nothing and I can't be bothered to take any. At the moment Mikey is still wandering around in a completely naked state! Both of us have asked him to at least put a pair of pants on but so far he is refusing point blank to even consider it! The last time I saw him he was busy buying new cars on Forza...taking after Mum it seems! But Citroen is not an option so he is buying Aston Martins and Ferrarris!! Can I take this as a proud Mum Moment??? I'm also waiting for Sainsburys to deliver as we have no bread etc for lunch until they do! Although I'm seriously thinking of just sticking to water to try to hydrate as much as I can before the heat hits on Thursday - but then I may follow Mikey's example and stay naked and in my bedroom all...

Another tough night - mainly as just as I went up to bed Andy got called from work...I came down at 1am and he was still working on the problem and he finally made it to bed at around 2.30... Mikey was not impressed when his laptop was playing up and he was expressing his displeasure with it; but the noise from the junior bedroom soon stopped and when I looked in there was just a heap of duvet and some hair sticking out of it! His only moan so far today is a lack of chocolate to snack on...I would offer him an apple but the result of that kind of thing is one hell of a noise!! Luckily Andy is finishing work early today - but that will result in him wanting to sleep; I may try to convince him to go up to bed if Mikey is down here which may make the rest of my day easier! Not really got much planned for today as I am still pretty much dead on my feet and still terrified of going out unless there is no other option! I know I am going to have to get used to all this - but I see no reason t...