Freedom, Day 9

The weather can best be described as a tad warm!! Andy is currently melting on the other side of the living room. Mikey is upstairs attempting to put some clothes on whilst playing with his x box and I am feeling sorry for myself as my back is still agony and any movement just intensifies the pain.

Over the last few nights sleep has been challenmging and as a result my brain has been in overdrive. Unfortunaltely the main occupation has been remembering all the ways the bitch known as my mother in law has shown that she detests me over many years. I have no idea what i did to deserve her hatred, I only wish I did as hopefully I enjoyed it!

I should have realised what a problem she would be as far back as my hen night. At Andy's request she was invited and a friend agreed to pick her up as it was over in Maidstone (I was living there...) all she had to do was phone the friend to arrange a time. She couldn't be bothered to make one phone call or even tell me she wasn't coming. But we had a fantastic time without her - I enjoyed my evening with some friends without anyone glaring at me! But my sister was not impressed by her rudeness; which I have now learnt is the norm and phoned her the following day and read her the riot act. This led to Andy phoning me and yelling at me for the first time ever. At that point I turned my phone off, refused to come out of my bedroom or to eat (which panicked my Mum) and I called the wedding off. But Andy turned up that evening with a large bunch of flowers to talk me round and Dad took Mum to visit Nicky and refused to let her stay! 

On the way to the wedding Dad actually told me that I didn't have to go through with it as he was terrified about how Andys family would treat me. He was not worried about Andy - just his bloody mother. This was so unlike Dad, I knew how much had been spent of this wedding that I jsut laughed and said I could cope - How wrong was I.

|There is a rule that you never wear cream or white to a wedding; that did not bother her as she turned up in cream! My sister was all set to throw red wine over her!! Luckily, unlike me, she got changed for the evening reception and escaped the wine shower!!

Once we were married I jsut treated her with the kid glove approach which everyone used and got exceedingly fed up with the lies we had to continue as she could not cope with the truth of life, but once her mother died she got worse. I could sympathise with her feeling of loss but nobody else was allowed to feel the grief she did. I felt sorry for Grandad as she was far more upset than he was allowed to be. All the Grandsons were inserted into an official car, a wife and partner were stuck in my car as it was dark coloured and we were both told we were going to have to sit in the row behind our loved ones - not allowed to provide any support. My Dad came to the service as he was still scared what she might do and that I could get hurt. Martin asked me to thank him - I didn't tell him that he only came for me,not anyone else.

Later that year I became exceedingly ill, I was not expected to survive and I have a vague memory of being told that she was not happy that I was distracting attention away from her... Sepsis is not a way I would choose to distract attention, and add in a stroke which robbed me of the ability to walk and talk and I had a fight on my hands. I was stuck in hospital in Canterbury/Norwich for 6 weeks. Andy was amazing and was there pretty much every day, my family were there almost as much and my father in law was also a regular vvisitor who tried to keep my spirits up as I fought. Apparently my favourite move any time my mother in law came in was to stick my bum out at her - it amused my Mum!!!

The stroke stole most of my memories of getting married - to be honest at one point I had no clue who Andy was, but Mum and nurse filled me in. So a year later on a cruise in Norway, we renewed our wedding vows. But as we were doing it without her I wasn't allowed to mention it...I still can't work out what it had to do with her; I am the one who couldn't recall getting married - she just wishes I hadn't done it.

In 2010 I had Mikey, I went into hospital a day earlier than was first decided as I was not well, so Mikey was induced early for his safety. Once I was safely in the last part of labour Andy just mentioned that she was waiting in the hospital coffee shop. I assume she wanted to see the baby before anyone else, what I wanted was for this time to be just Andy, me and Mikey. I didn't want anyone else barging into this special time as we formed our family...but no, once he had arrived and I was under orders to hug him as he was cold she had to come in... I learnt after, thanks to the senior midwife at his delivery, that I could ban whoever I wanted from the maternity ward. I was so tempted, especially when he got moved to special care, but Andy asked me not to so I gave in.

Once we got home she got worse. I took Mikey to see the partner of Andy's cousin - we got yelled at as she was not there to oversee the meeting. I thought I was the one who gave birth to him, but nobody was meant to see him without her being in the room. She was also great at buying toys that were not safe for a baby and I would then have to remove them as they were always given straight to him and he always knew which were not safe! At Christmas the sheer amount of toys etc was crazy. He had to have sacks of toys, mostly plastic crap that he broke the first time he played with them. In an attempt to try to change this we created a wish list for Mikey, but she then started printing it off and instructing people what they should buy. This meant she always knew what every gift for Mikey would contain and she insists on saying what they all are- no surprises for my child! When he was born she told me what every gift was and who every card was from before I opened them.

Whenever she watched me feeding MIkey or doing anything with him, it was a glare. I have no idea what I was doing wrong - but for a new Mum fighting post natal depression it did not help. My health visitor got increasingly worried about me so referred me to our local childrens centre. I eneded up going every Friday, Mikey went to flirt with the nurses in the creche, I had lunch with outher Mums and we chatted and tried to make crafty stuff...Mostly we just covered everything in glitter and glue! The perfect way to cope with the baby blues and a fantastic antidote to having been made to feel useless! To be honest, the only advice the SCBU nurses had given me was 'don't drop him on his head' and I never have! So I think so far I'm doing ok

In 2016 it got even worse. One horrific morning I got a letter telling me my smear test was abnormal. Shortly after I got a call from a friend of my Mum telling me I needed to get to Medway hospital quickly as, basically, my Dad was dying. Mikey was with me as he had a very mild dose of chicken pox and was pretty much staying put in bed. I sent a rather panicked message to Andy and started calling Sue to see if she could sit in out house in case Mikey woke up etc. I started with her mobile and left a message and texted as I was starting to really panic. Andy was on his way home but I still didn't get a reply so I tried the land line and the mobile again, but both were ignored. I had said that Mikey probably wouldn't even come downstairs and that my Dad was about to die...but the bitch still completely ignored me.So far as she was concerned he was not important and I certainly didn't matter. Thankfully Andy went and grabbed her and her cushion as she had a bad back and couldn't cope...

It continued at Christmas, we went to the school Christmas Fair with Mum and bumped into Sue, she totally blanked my mother and didn't even say hello. I was embarrassed by her rudeness and can never forgive her for her simple inhumanity.

When her Dad was in the same situation her partner called and asked to speak to Andy who was upstairs doing bedtime with Mikey, I offered to take a message for him but was told I couldn't as he needed to speak to a member of the family. So there is was in simple words, I am not a member of this family. Way to make me feel welcome and safe. My Dad was so right...I'm not wanted or needed by this clan. But also now that Mum lives in Nicky's garden I feel isolated from my family as well. So basically I don't belong in Ashford or Medway now. I have never felt more lonely and unwanted as I do now.