Lockdown 2020 and on

 Recently has been tough for me, I really feel that I have had enough. For some reason I feel that I need to get things like my funeral planned and my letter of wishes completed and witnessed as I am so worried people I do not want influencing him will try to get too involved in his life.  Having spoken to my nephrologist (finally) he is happy that I have pushed my function up and my creatinine has dropped - but my blood pressure has also shot up and my iron levels are down. I really hate that nobody can give me any time scales for anything, Andy seems to think that I will be on dialysis sooner rather than later . This scares me as nothing has been done about a fistula and I really do not want to start with a neckline as I know I am likely to try to pull it out. I really need to find someone to talk to about all of this. I think Andy is bored of hearing about how worried/scared I am - but I need to get things out. I am also getting fed up with feeling so worthless and such a w...

 I got my bloods done for my appointment on Friday - the fantastic news is my eGFR has gone up and my creatinine has come down...unfortunately my iron has also fallen and explains why I am feeling so awful in comparison to my usual normal feeling awful! I also have some weird ridges appearing on my nails, they are really brittle and my hair is coming out in clumps. My hands are unbelievably itchy and look as though the skin is just turning into white dust...all the hand cream/moisturizer i have got just makes them itch even more. I am seriously considering using my new. very sharp vegetable peeler and removing a few layers of skin to try to stop it. I'm still waiting to hear anything from PALs, I haven't chased them basically because I jsut can't be bothered and I am so fed up with being told I will be called back. I am now thinking |I will make a concerted effort next week if I manage to build up some energy over the weekend. TO be honest all I want at the moment is for so...

 Finally starting to feel a tad more human now so I went back to March Wood today. The woods always make me feel so much better and just being there helps me feel so much more grounded and relaxed for once. While I was there today we make daisy balm, mine are scented with Lavender and Eucalyptus so hopefully the lavender might help me sleep....(well I can dream!) We also did some tie dyeing with flower and vegetable dyes...Mine is still drying but I was quite proud of it! I remembered from out attempt to do this when I was at Middle School that it needed to be tied tightly! Getting the tie off was a challenge, but I was happy with it! Once Mikey was home from School, he headed to the park so Andy and I headed off to exercise out democratic vote...I had a discussion on the way home about voting - but having studied politics for 2 years I had it drummed into me that if I don't vote I have no right to moan about the result as I was not part of making that decision! Mrs Risdell-Smith c...

Recently it appears that my brain has been reconnecting parts which were damaged in 2008 when I had my stroke. My 3 nights with very  little sleep have resulted in lots of memories of our wedding flooding back - unfortunately not the nice ones; but mostly things which I would love to forget so I guess it is time for another stroke. My main recollection is being asked be guests invited by my family why my new mother in law looked so upset and grumpy...Not really a question you want on the day you get married. I was already not happy as she was wearing the same colour as me, but my German friend asked why she looked so upset and close to tears. I suppose I should have said because her son has married me, but at that point I was still hoping for a normal type relationship, even after I had learned how often I was going to have to lie or simply not tell her things as she wasn't able to cope. This started at our engagement party which, to be honest, was her party and not ours. I was not...

 My cough has not really improved much...But as I keep reminding Andy, sitting on a plane to Orlando usually sorts it out...!! Mikey is now at home with an inner ear infection - hopefully I will be forgiven for applying pressure in various points under instruction from the nurse practitioner as she could hear the yelps of pain!! He has antibiotics prescribed which we can pick up later. Having suffered really badly with ear infections growing up I can totally empathise and hope it passes soon so I can get some sleep!! Other health news - I have managed to book my 2nd jab!!! It will be tomorrow and means that aoon I will have as much protection as possible!! Makes me feel a whole lot happier and hopefully I will be less worried going out anywhere... Although I'm still not keen on being around too many people. Personally I am still feeling sick about 90% of the time and I have found that Sainsbury's Butter Mintoes help with the foul taste in my mouth and settling my stomach! Most ...

 I am still battling my wonderful cough...I have been quite intrigued by the shape my hernia can create when I cough, if it didn't hurt so much it would be funny - but pain is taking that away from me. On Friday we met an ex-work colleague of Andy for a coffee, after I walked around half of the old part of the Outlet Centre and I'm still paying the price for it. Andy was actually impressed at the speed I managed - but I now know that trying to do that was totally insane. I am also so fed up at my complete lack of energy. PALs have not bothered to call me back yet, my 2nd vaccine should be tomorrow - but nobody from Canterbury Hospital has called me, my blood pressure is way up - but my GP won't do anything about it as they don't want to mess with my meds. I probably need antibiotics to kick this cough into touch, but there are so few they can give me they just procrastinate until I go away. Ever feel that you are beyond unimportant? Because that is how I am feeling righ...

 I have moved on from Covid to Bronchitis! I have a lovely and very productive cough which is now exhausting me even more than normal. We got the latest update from KCC re Mikey's next school yesterday. As I sort of expected thay changed nothing at all; but I also got an e-mail from Lenham advising me to not lose hope as they are now working through the kids who Mikey is part of and will be in touch if a place comes up. So now it is just a case of waiting again while all the Grammar appeals are got through in Maidstone and Ashford. Part of me is still tempted to get him into another Maidstone school to be honest, but then he would be so far from any friends he makes. I am just terrified of what could happen to him and how going to the North will change him from the lovely boy I know he is. I guess it is also linked to how much I hate living over here. I'm a west Kent girl, not East. I have never felt settled and at home here, but I have no idea where I would feel that now; mayb...