Lockdown 3; Day 84

 Sleep was pretty much totally impossible last night...to say my brain was in Grand Prix mode is a complete understatement and all it did was get me stressed and very, very anxious. One thing I do remember was my Dad was there - which just added to my stress and reminded me just how much I miss him, I even ended up crying due to simply wishing I could talk to him about how I feel at the moment. In my dream he was a bit 'knight in shining armour' and went into battle for me with the people who hate me the most. She didn't change her opinion but was read her life story and told not to EVER upset me again. He started asking why she wore the same colour as me to my and Andy's wedding and went on from there. It just felt so wonderful to have someone on my side for once, and also to see someone tell her the misery and pain she inflicts on people who would happily help and support her if only she could be nice and act like a human being. The rest of the occupants in the house were also included and they just facilitate her behaviour and never tell her how horrific her behaviour is.

I know this can never happen as my darling Dad was taken far too early, but it was so wonderful to have him back, however briefly. He also had a chat with the head of Lenham for us and sorted everything out for Mikey. I so wish he was here to help me - I need him so much.

As of tomorrow I am allowed out of shielding, I'm still completely terrified of going out - unless I can be sure there are not going to be hordes of other people there...the photos of a park in Nottingham yesterday scare me - why are the English so stupid???

But I am looking forward to the time hugs are allowed - the lack of human contact has really affected me over the last year - and much as I adore Mikey he can't make up for what I have missed so much and for so long. I can honestly say the last 12 months have challenged me both mentally and physically and I have had more than enough. I just want a break from all this and being here.




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