Lockdown 3; Day 3

The numbers are still going up - but then again the reduction that I hope is on its way will not arrive for another 2 weeks. I just hope everyone is actually obeying the rules and staying at home.

London has just announced that there is a crisis due to hospitals being overwhelmed, something that is also happening in Kent and I am due in again next week for an investigation into why there is blood in my urine. A bit of shutting the door after the horse has bolted as the last test I did showed no blood, just white cells! But I'm sure they know what they are doing. It is odd that I have had the letter for next Tuesday, but the letter my GP sent on 31.12.2020 telling me I had a blood test yesterday has yet to arrive! The letter from the hospital is also dated 31 December...

The nurse called yesterday to ask if I was waiting in the carpark - my response of 'no, what for' seemed to throw her! I doubt I helped when I told her that I am having blood tests next week and not before probably also didn't add anything to help! But none of the nurses there have managed to get any blood out of me and just create more bruises and pain instead. This is not helping my mindset as I just feel that I am a pin cushion amusing my GP and nobody actually cares how I am feeling about what my body is doing to me. I've just read an interview with Andy Cole about how he hates himself after his Kidney Transplant. I have looked at a transplant as a way to get my life back and to be a better parent for Mikey; not something that will just cause even more problems for me.

I am so tired it is impossible to do anything. Mikey had me up at 3am as he was in so much pain from his tooth ache. Andy thought he was just playing - but the fact he was screaming sort of denied that idea. When I got to him he was remaking his bed and was totally dressed. He had already been downstairs to dose himself but didn't have the courage to draw up the liquid as it means turning the bottle upside down etc. So far today he has been ok, but I just want to curl up and cry somewhere. But as I am back in shielding I am not allowed to go anywhere and after the lecture I had last week about how dangerous Covid is to my staying alive, I'm doing as I've been told. But all I want to do is get out of the house and see anywhere else for a while - and Hospitals DO NOT COUNT.

My weight is also winding me up. My appetite is terrible and most of the time I just do not want to eat. But I am not losing any weight at all. I assume I am going to have to stop eating totally again in order to lose anything - and I need to in order to have a chance of getting onto the transplant list. Something else to mess with my totally scrambled mind.




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