Lockdown, Day 87

I started today feeling good - a rarity for me at the current time. Unfortunately this did not last for long as I had a text lecture from my sister. This redusced me to tears and totally shattered to facade I had put in place for today. Apparently I am crap at communicating anything and selfish etc. So having spent the last week trying to build my brain into something which looks at what I can and might be able to do; I've now had SHOULD slammed into my face with some force.
 
To be honest I am fed up with being pressured into doing what someone else feels I should do and when I should do it, nothing is what I feel I can do or when I can do it. All that has happened is |I now feel even more worthless and useless. I now don't want to leave my house or see anyone. I feel completely isolated and that nobody should waste their time or effort on the mess I am. I also know that I should not let this get to me, but she knows how to completely demolish me and can do it effortlessly. I finishe d by saying I was not going to respond further as I would only say something I would regret. I know from experience the she is never wrong so I saw no reason to inflict yet more pain on myself.

Maybe self preservation is kicking in, but I'm now terrified of going to see my Mum as she lives in my sisters back garden. And whatever anyone thinks, my sister controls her and I am not going to be controlled by anyone. I don't need to be lectured on something that wasn't my fault.

My other issue today is that I am hungry- but don't have any desire to eat anything. My joints are all aching, but the morphine is helping to ease that for me. I have a large bottle of oramorph, I hope Andy will keep an eye on me as it would be far to simple to just drink the lot.

Today is a day when I really need a cuddly cat, but neither of mine are interested in applying for that role; Mikey is busy playing loudly upstairs so that is not an option either.

Another photo which makes me feel happy and warm/fuzzy. This was a day when the 3 of us in my little family just had fun together - and watching Mikey go crazy on a bouncy castle was great!!

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