Lockdown 2020 and on

 This week I have totally reached the end of my very frayed tether. I am more exhausted than I have felt for months and I am also feeling isolated, un-needed and unwanted. |Mikey is settled at school, is doing well and making new friends and finding new interests. All I do it listen while he frantically searched for reasons for him feeling f=depressed. When he does come up with something you can guarantee that there is nothing I can do to cure or solve whatever he is worrying about. He also has new people he can talk to so I am certainly no longer needed. I've also had my latest lot of blood tests done. I can't remember my access thing for my results so I can't look at them. My memory is failing even more than usual and I hate this. I'm also in constant pain and I can't do anything that is part of my usual way of living. I really just want all this to end. I have no energy, I can't sleep and even cooking something simple leaves me feeling dead on my feet. All I ...

On friday I lit the candle I made in the woods to be part of the ring of light for baby loss. If I'm honest, Mikey was my miracle baby as prior to him I lost all my pregnancies. I've just been watching a programme made by Myleene Klass about the problems she experienced before having her son. From my experience most people just assume that all women can have a child whenever they want to...I only wish it was that easy. Since we got married I have felt under pressure to produce a grandchild for Andy's mother - not the best environment for conception. I half wish we had bought her a baby doll she could have sat on her knee and shown to her loyal courtiers, rather than a wriggly baby who was fantasic at producing some out of worldly scents in his nappy!! I got into trouble because I took him to see Andy's cousins partner without taking her of getting permission. I also was not popular for him having to spend his first week in SCBU as it did nothing to help her nerves. The ...

 Sleeping is still a challenge - but last night I got my own back and was, apparently snoring myself!! Well I guess something in my head decided that revenge was what was required!! Before my revenge snore commenced I was doing my best to remove my skin! I can honestly say I have never been so itchy and all I wanted to do was rip my skin off so I could no longer feel the itch... I am also having fun going up and down the stairs, I get breathless really quickly and walking up the hill at the woods today almost had me on my knees. Before I have hardly noticed the hill at all, but now I think I may be dead by the time I get to the top. It is also not making my life exactly pleasant as I'm feeling sick approximately 99% of the time. Driving home in the mini bus left me with a tightly closed mouth as I was so close to throwing up. My next job is to get booked in for a blood test. I really don't think I want to know what my Creatinine is up to now. Although I am interested to know ho...

I am currently fuming. I SPOKE to a GP who has NEVER actually met me and am now on |Antibiotics and have provided a sample to try to grow the E Coli so thye can find out how to gill it (I suggested shooting me) Apparently I was meant to return the sample be 3.30 yesterday. Andy took it back for me today as I'm having a really bad day and feeling rough to say the least. When he got there he was told it was expected yesterday (1st time I've heard about that!!) So they should be extremely grateful I didn't take it back as the way I'm feeling I would had exploded and probably killed someone! At no point in the conversation yesterday was 3.30 mentioned. The only timing mentioned was that I MUST finish the course of Antibiotics.  This morning I was listening to a relaxing hypnotherapy recording to help me relax! It worked and I passed out for 3 hours only waking in a panic as Sainsburys arrived to deliver our shopping. Because of the panic I ended up with a horrific headache ...

Right now it is safe to say that mostly I am struggling. At the moment everything is decidedly dark and the questionnaires I filled in yesterday for my mental health assessment basically say I'm 1 point off the worst possible score for low mood and anxiety. Meantime in 'real life' I just want to cry all the time and I really can't be bothered to eat. Food tastes so bland and boring I just can't see any point eating it. If I can't enjoy food I can't see any reason eating. At least I might lose some weight at long last. On the other hand Mikey is still storming The North School! He has hit 30 Achievement Points and I am so proud of how he is coping and getting settled in his new environment! He has also discovered after school clubs - so far we are off to History Club and Fit Club! Although next week he might try out Trampolining! So long as he is having a good time I really don't mind 😀  I hope Andy is OK - I'm not really sure as he is hardly speakin...

This has been a tough week...Mikey is totally exhausted and getting more and more teenagerish, Andy is snoring for England and I'm getting better and better at not sleeping! It is easy to say I'm tired - but this is now feeling beyond tired. I feel as though every piece of clothing I own has now been lined with lead and it is far to heavy to allow me to move when I'm wearing any of it. Mikey and I have just done his French and English homework. Unfortunately his favourite French phrase is Je n'aime pas le francais. I must remember to apologise to Mrs Allon at the parents evening!  Andy has finally realised that I am now not just dealing with CKD and heart failure; I have now added the peri menopause on top of them and the fact I am totally unable to regulate my temperature is making me even more grumpy and irritable than my usual grumpiness. I am trying really hard to not let Mikey wind me up but it is getting harder and harder. Add on the morons, petrol panic buying an...

The UK appears to be in total meltdown abd I have had enough. Petrol is now been panic bought - at least it makes a change from toilet roll.  Mikey's school start was delayed until 10am this morning as Hythe Road was at a standstill = he missed PE but was playing benchball instead - but the advantage was he didn't have to get changed! By the end of today Stagecoach were not even trying to get near school - thankfully Andy got close and picked him up = the thought of Mikey finding the station and getting on the right bus is terrifying! He could have ended up anywhere!! While the general population are acting line brain dead zombies I am trying not to move too much as the infamous calcified blood clot (which doesn't cause any pain...) is absolutely killing me. I am seriously considering having a hot water bottle tonight in an attempt to ease the pain. I chickened out of my afternoon in the woods as I wasn't sure my back would hold out. I'm really not good with pain.

Andy called an ambulance for me today as I have been having issues breathing as well as the 'normal' back pain and headache. Oh, and a few heart palpitations  thrown in for good measure with a racing normal heart... THey did warn me that A&E was crammed - but I was in a corridor outside a waiting room for 10 people with at least 20 crammed in. I was leaning on a wall and the girl next to me said I looked very grey and was I alright... Another man walked in with his girlfriend to be told the wait is at least 6 hours; he turned round and dragged her out as she wasn't dead! Most of the people had been sent by their GP- none of them had actually seen a human face to face or on a screen - it is now their get out, if in doubt sent them to A&E. After not being seen for an hour even for triage and being close to collapsing as it was just so hot with so many people in a small place I had had enough. There was no water available as they had been so busy, all the bottles had g...

 Mikey has come home today in the worst mood I have seen from him, EVER. Apparently it was a silent drive home so I followed the stomping upstairs and eventually got something out of him. After a pretty good start he HATES his school. His class keep talking when they shouldn't and all of them get told off - as Mikey is over sensitive to noise this really sets his anxiety off. He also is not impressed at being told to keep his shirt tucked in and the fact people get detention even if they are only 30 seconds late. He hasn't been late - but is doing his usual Mikey thing and worrying in advance. We have also been telling him how proud we are at the number of achievement points he has already collected; but we are just saying we are proud and don't really mean it. How am I meant to get him to believe me when I tell him how well he is doing and how proud of him I am?? Personally this has hit me hard - I was really hoping he was settling in and we were over the worst, but it app...

 I am very aware of how everyone is feeling...but I am at the end of my ever shortening tether. Over the last few weeks I have felt increasingly alone and isolated - which in a house this size is quite an achievement. I am also always telling myself I can beat and get through this, but it is pretty much impossible to believe myself now.  Mikey is growing up and will not need me as much and Andy clearly doesn't. He is much happier when I'm not around or being silent. He can then happily get on with what he wants to do or whatever App on his phone has got his attention. I'm also trying to lose weight again, but all of out scales are not working so I have no clue if I am getting anywhere at all. The one advantage I do have is that I still can't taste most food so I still have no desire at all to want to eat; I've even gone off chocolate...I'd rather have sweets than chocolate - I#m pretty much living on butter mints and sherbet lemons. My emotions are all over the ...

 At the moment I just need to talk to someone, but Andy has been through enough recently plus I can see he switches off when I try to tell him how I am feeling... My daily sickness has continued and is not fading (an no Mum, telling myself I don't feel sick DOES NOT WORK) I have a constant headache, feel dizzy and my stability is best described as dodgy! On top of all that my brain appears to have left the building. Usually I can just glance at something written and grasp what it is immediately - now I can mis-read things with ease. I am already making sure I read everything at least twice to ensure I actually do understand it correctly. I'm also having real issues cooking; on Saturday I totally overcooked pasta and literally just caught it before it burned. On Sunday I couldn't even hard boil an egg. Normally I don't even have to think about how to execute both with no problems - but now...my brain just wipes short term stuff out whenever it wants to. Tiredness is also...

 I am fast running out of any patience with my cats... Basically they are broken and not working like a proper cat should. Normal cats love boxes and are even known to sit in squares taped onto the floor. My 2??? Nothing...if there is a box they completely ignore it, no attempt to try out "If I Fit, I Sit" and not even a flicker of interest at times like Christmas when boxes are often arriving daily. Also catnip - most cats love it and roll around in extasy getting stoned of the best feline drug around - my 2; 1 sniff if you are lucky and then nothing. I am totally disappointed. Rory chases the red dot if he can be bothered - Misty has never been bothered at all. The only thing they both love are the infamous dreamies and they are happy to OD on those - but I'm cruel and ration them strictly. Today I bought they some new treats which are meant to be chewy etc. Rory has eaten 2 and Misty has licked 1. Since then I have put a couple in their biscuit bowl, they keep taking i...

 We are now the day before Mikey starts at The North School....all they have done today is worry me even more that this is the wrong place for my son. I know all parents are protective - but he took so long to have and I really do not trust them to look after him properly. We have been provided a timetable which states that his first lesson is PE - Yr 7 parents have been told not to send PE Kit in tomorrow.... Also, he is in group 7x3....but the timetable has him in 7x2. If they can't send the right timetable how can I trust them to look after the most valuable thing I have? The chair of Governors has also sent a letter about the school joining the Swale Academies Trust. From what I have heard about this on local news I do not want my child at a school under their control. How can I get him out of there? Since I started writing this |I have e-mailed the Head asking why everything is so disorganised the day before they start and have said it will not help kids with autism as everyth...

 We are now within  a week of starting at the North School....Uniform has been obtained and just shoes and a new neutral lunch bag to be obtained... Poor Mikey is now starting to get nervous and I am finding it really hard not to show how nervous/anxious I am as well. This is really the totally wrong place for him and I can't trust the staff to look after him for me yet. Eventually I hope I will - but so far I am yet to see anything that gives any indication of future care for him. I'm half tempted to call the school and tell that what I will do to them if anything at all happens to or hurts my son. Watching the news this evening talking about a lack of care and understanding for people with autism I am not feeling any happier or confident. In myself I am just getting lower and lower. I feel even more worthless as every day passes and I just have nobody to talk to. I can't talk to Andy as I don't want to add to his problems, but his mother still won't speak to me, a...

Really having a tough few days at the moment. I can't talk to Andy as he has more than enough to cope with as he is back at work now - well working from Home with Mikey and me still getting under his feel and creating too much noise for him to concentrate. As for me, I'm worrying about Mikey starting at the North next week as I am still sure it is the wrong place for him. He is also getting nervous and I am doing my best not to let him see how I feel. It is obviously starting to really get to me a I've had a full blown panic attack this afternoon and the pain in my chest really did feel like another heart attack. But I went upstairs and calmed myself without unloading onto Andy. Mum has just called about a very close friend who has been rushed into Hospital in Norwich after part of her bowel burst. They have also discovered that she has cancer there as well, but have managed to remove all that they found... Her late husband is the wonderful man that Mikey is named after. th...

I am having my own, personal mini crisis at the moment. This week Andy has been off work and we've been busy making family memories together with Mikey...But my overwhelming memory is just that I have no energy and I keep letting him down. That I send him off with Dad to do stuff when I just can't cope. I hate that i let him down so much simply because I'm too tired all the time. I hate this disease....to the outside world I look completely normal and fine, but on the inside I am falling apart and dying.  I also have no clue where I really belong and I know I've never done anything to make anyone proud of me - Basically I'm just a waste of space and time. I didn't take up my university place, marry a high over achieving successful business man or produce a scarily intelligent child... I had a normal life but unfortunately I'm now in a place which has never felt like home and will never feel like a place I belong. As I'm really not in a position to work a...

I have reached the end of my very short tether at the moment. Mikey has decided that he is totally unable to sleep at night - and it appears that if he doesn't sleep neither will anyone else. Just after midnight he started crying and it took a very long time to calm him down enough to actually try to go to sleep! I have still got a horribly painful back and my headache is now well into it's 3rd week and I am sure someone is currently inside my head practising a drum solo. We had been hoping to take Mikey to Dreamland tomorrow - but they are operating on limited numbers and rides so we are heading to the Dockyard instead. Apparently Mikey will be able to row a lifeboat, visit a submarine and a large ship. I'm just hoping we will be able to wear him out so he will sleep and let me try to sleep as well! He is heading to the Rare Breeds Centre on Thursday with Crossroads so we will need to provide a packed lunch without any of the usual school restrictions! I am now dreading wh...

 Today has not gone well... I woke up and realised that as well as my skin going back to my teenage years my face is decidedly puffy. My hands are the same and getting a ring on is painful; plus by the middle of the afternoon I have wonderful cankles... But on a more positive note I coped with driving to Mums, helping her with lunch, tidying up and I drove home! Now I am totally knackered with the headache from hell pounding away as it has for the last few weeks. My back is also complaining if I stand up, move or try to bend over!! Basically it feels as though my whole body is about to give up completely. If I'm  honest at the moment I just want the bloody things to fail. I will then know exactly where I am and what I am meant to be doing. I hate all this waiting around for something to finally happen.

 I've had my blood results back - thankfully my iron is pretty much at a normal/acceptable level but I am still completely exhausted and an energy free zone in all things. Andy is currently asleep again (If he snores I am not responsible for my actions) and Mikey has retired upstairs after spending a morning being unbelievably annoying. I am also not liking the pleasure he seems to find in slapping or hitting me. I am feeling even more isolated, useless and that being here is a total waste of space, time and effort. At the moment there is nothing I can think of to do to try to cheer myself up. I certainly don't want to try some of the things my head is suggesting - although some of them would end this issue for me. I hate feeling this worthless but it is just getting more and more frequent and I don't know what to do. There is no point phoning my GP as they really do not give a toss and mental health is way down their lidt of problems that need urgent help. The counsellor t...

 I am finding it increasingly difficult to explain how I am feeling at the moment. Tuesday was wonderful, we all wnt to visit the Tower of London as a family, we bumped into a friend on our way to the station and I got onto the train without a panic attack. The first time that has happened for a very long time. The actual journey was fast and smooth, the hike to the underground exhausting for me, but we made it to the Tower and gained entry with no problems! Luckily we managed to get straight onto a Warders tour and luckily had Beefy409 as our guide!! He posts frequently on Facebook and his videos and other stuff kept me happily occupied and wanting to visit the Tower all through the various lockdowns and restrictions! He was brilliant, educational and decidedly entertaining, although I'm still not sure about their uniform with a kilt! Luckily the weather stayed fine until we went to a cafe for lunch and a quick dash across to the White Tower meant we were occupied until it all dri...