Lockdown 2020 and on

 This week I have totally reached the end of my very frayed tether. I am more exhausted than I have felt for months and I am also feeling isolated, un-needed and unwanted. |Mikey is settled at school, is doing well and making new friends and finding new interests. All I do it listen while he frantically searched for reasons for him feeling f=depressed. When he does come up with something you can guarantee that there is nothing I can do to cure or solve whatever he is worrying about. He also has new people he can talk to so I am certainly no longer needed. I've also had my latest lot of blood tests done. I can't remember my access thing for my results so I can't look at them. My memory is failing even more than usual and I hate this. I'm also in constant pain and I can't do anything that is part of my usual way of living. I really just want all this to end. I have no energy, I can't sleep and even cooking something simple leaves me feeling dead on my feet. All I ...

On friday I lit the candle I made in the woods to be part of the ring of light for baby loss. If I'm honest, Mikey was my miracle baby as prior to him I lost all my pregnancies. I've just been watching a programme made by Myleene Klass about the problems she experienced before having her son. From my experience most people just assume that all women can have a child whenever they want to...I only wish it was that easy. Since we got married I have felt under pressure to produce a grandchild for Andy's mother - not the best environment for conception. I half wish we had bought her a baby doll she could have sat on her knee and shown to her loyal courtiers, rather than a wriggly baby who was fantasic at producing some out of worldly scents in his nappy!! I got into trouble because I took him to see Andy's cousins partner without taking her of getting permission. I also was not popular for him having to spend his first week in SCBU as it did nothing to help her nerves. The ...

 Sleeping is still a challenge - but last night I got my own back and was, apparently snoring myself!! Well I guess something in my head decided that revenge was what was required!! Before my revenge snore commenced I was doing my best to remove my skin! I can honestly say I have never been so itchy and all I wanted to do was rip my skin off so I could no longer feel the itch... I am also having fun going up and down the stairs, I get breathless really quickly and walking up the hill at the woods today almost had me on my knees. Before I have hardly noticed the hill at all, but now I think I may be dead by the time I get to the top. It is also not making my life exactly pleasant as I'm feeling sick approximately 99% of the time. Driving home in the mini bus left me with a tightly closed mouth as I was so close to throwing up. My next job is to get booked in for a blood test. I really don't think I want to know what my Creatinine is up to now. Although I am interested to know ho...

I am currently fuming. I SPOKE to a GP who has NEVER actually met me and am now on |Antibiotics and have provided a sample to try to grow the E Coli so thye can find out how to gill it (I suggested shooting me) Apparently I was meant to return the sample be 3.30 yesterday. Andy took it back for me today as I'm having a really bad day and feeling rough to say the least. When he got there he was told it was expected yesterday (1st time I've heard about that!!) So they should be extremely grateful I didn't take it back as the way I'm feeling I would had exploded and probably killed someone! At no point in the conversation yesterday was 3.30 mentioned. The only timing mentioned was that I MUST finish the course of Antibiotics.  This morning I was listening to a relaxing hypnotherapy recording to help me relax! It worked and I passed out for 3 hours only waking in a panic as Sainsburys arrived to deliver our shopping. Because of the panic I ended up with a horrific headache ...

Right now it is safe to say that mostly I am struggling. At the moment everything is decidedly dark and the questionnaires I filled in yesterday for my mental health assessment basically say I'm 1 point off the worst possible score for low mood and anxiety. Meantime in 'real life' I just want to cry all the time and I really can't be bothered to eat. Food tastes so bland and boring I just can't see any point eating it. If I can't enjoy food I can't see any reason eating. At least I might lose some weight at long last. On the other hand Mikey is still storming The North School! He has hit 30 Achievement Points and I am so proud of how he is coping and getting settled in his new environment! He has also discovered after school clubs - so far we are off to History Club and Fit Club! Although next week he might try out Trampolining! So long as he is having a good time I really don't mind 😀  I hope Andy is OK - I'm not really sure as he is hardly speakin...

This has been a tough week...Mikey is totally exhausted and getting more and more teenagerish, Andy is snoring for England and I'm getting better and better at not sleeping! It is easy to say I'm tired - but this is now feeling beyond tired. I feel as though every piece of clothing I own has now been lined with lead and it is far to heavy to allow me to move when I'm wearing any of it. Mikey and I have just done his French and English homework. Unfortunately his favourite French phrase is Je n'aime pas le francais. I must remember to apologise to Mrs Allon at the parents evening!  Andy has finally realised that I am now not just dealing with CKD and heart failure; I have now added the peri menopause on top of them and the fact I am totally unable to regulate my temperature is making me even more grumpy and irritable than my usual grumpiness. I am trying really hard to not let Mikey wind me up but it is getting harder and harder. Add on the morons, petrol panic buying an...

The UK appears to be in total meltdown abd I have had enough. Petrol is now been panic bought - at least it makes a change from toilet roll.  Mikey's school start was delayed until 10am this morning as Hythe Road was at a standstill = he missed PE but was playing benchball instead - but the advantage was he didn't have to get changed! By the end of today Stagecoach were not even trying to get near school - thankfully Andy got close and picked him up = the thought of Mikey finding the station and getting on the right bus is terrifying! He could have ended up anywhere!! While the general population are acting line brain dead zombies I am trying not to move too much as the infamous calcified blood clot (which doesn't cause any pain...) is absolutely killing me. I am seriously considering having a hot water bottle tonight in an attempt to ease the pain. I chickened out of my afternoon in the woods as I wasn't sure my back would hold out. I'm really not good with pain.

Andy called an ambulance for me today as I have been having issues breathing as well as the 'normal' back pain and headache. Oh, and a few heart palpitations  thrown in for good measure with a racing normal heart... THey did warn me that A&E was crammed - but I was in a corridor outside a waiting room for 10 people with at least 20 crammed in. I was leaning on a wall and the girl next to me said I looked very grey and was I alright... Another man walked in with his girlfriend to be told the wait is at least 6 hours; he turned round and dragged her out as she wasn't dead! Most of the people had been sent by their GP- none of them had actually seen a human face to face or on a screen - it is now their get out, if in doubt sent them to A&E. After not being seen for an hour even for triage and being close to collapsing as it was just so hot with so many people in a small place I had had enough. There was no water available as they had been so busy, all the bottles had g...

 Mikey has come home today in the worst mood I have seen from him, EVER. Apparently it was a silent drive home so I followed the stomping upstairs and eventually got something out of him. After a pretty good start he HATES his school. His class keep talking when they shouldn't and all of them get told off - as Mikey is over sensitive to noise this really sets his anxiety off. He also is not impressed at being told to keep his shirt tucked in and the fact people get detention even if they are only 30 seconds late. He hasn't been late - but is doing his usual Mikey thing and worrying in advance. We have also been telling him how proud we are at the number of achievement points he has already collected; but we are just saying we are proud and don't really mean it. How am I meant to get him to believe me when I tell him how well he is doing and how proud of him I am?? Personally this has hit me hard - I was really hoping he was settling in and we were over the worst, but it app...

 I am very aware of how everyone is feeling...but I am at the end of my ever shortening tether. Over the last few weeks I have felt increasingly alone and isolated - which in a house this size is quite an achievement. I am also always telling myself I can beat and get through this, but it is pretty much impossible to believe myself now.  Mikey is growing up and will not need me as much and Andy clearly doesn't. He is much happier when I'm not around or being silent. He can then happily get on with what he wants to do or whatever App on his phone has got his attention. I'm also trying to lose weight again, but all of out scales are not working so I have no clue if I am getting anywhere at all. The one advantage I do have is that I still can't taste most food so I still have no desire at all to want to eat; I've even gone off chocolate...I'd rather have sweets than chocolate - I#m pretty much living on butter mints and sherbet lemons. My emotions are all over the ...

 At the moment I just need to talk to someone, but Andy has been through enough recently plus I can see he switches off when I try to tell him how I am feeling... My daily sickness has continued and is not fading (an no Mum, telling myself I don't feel sick DOES NOT WORK) I have a constant headache, feel dizzy and my stability is best described as dodgy! On top of all that my brain appears to have left the building. Usually I can just glance at something written and grasp what it is immediately - now I can mis-read things with ease. I am already making sure I read everything at least twice to ensure I actually do understand it correctly. I'm also having real issues cooking; on Saturday I totally overcooked pasta and literally just caught it before it burned. On Sunday I couldn't even hard boil an egg. Normally I don't even have to think about how to execute both with no problems - but now...my brain just wipes short term stuff out whenever it wants to. Tiredness is also...

 I am fast running out of any patience with my cats... Basically they are broken and not working like a proper cat should. Normal cats love boxes and are even known to sit in squares taped onto the floor. My 2??? Nothing...if there is a box they completely ignore it, no attempt to try out "If I Fit, I Sit" and not even a flicker of interest at times like Christmas when boxes are often arriving daily. Also catnip - most cats love it and roll around in extasy getting stoned of the best feline drug around - my 2; 1 sniff if you are lucky and then nothing. I am totally disappointed. Rory chases the red dot if he can be bothered - Misty has never been bothered at all. The only thing they both love are the infamous dreamies and they are happy to OD on those - but I'm cruel and ration them strictly. Today I bought they some new treats which are meant to be chewy etc. Rory has eaten 2 and Misty has licked 1. Since then I have put a couple in their biscuit bowl, they keep taking i...

 We are now the day before Mikey starts at The North School....all they have done today is worry me even more that this is the wrong place for my son. I know all parents are protective - but he took so long to have and I really do not trust them to look after him properly. We have been provided a timetable which states that his first lesson is PE - Yr 7 parents have been told not to send PE Kit in tomorrow.... Also, he is in group 7x3....but the timetable has him in 7x2. If they can't send the right timetable how can I trust them to look after the most valuable thing I have? The chair of Governors has also sent a letter about the school joining the Swale Academies Trust. From what I have heard about this on local news I do not want my child at a school under their control. How can I get him out of there? Since I started writing this |I have e-mailed the Head asking why everything is so disorganised the day before they start and have said it will not help kids with autism as everyth...

 We are now within  a week of starting at the North School....Uniform has been obtained and just shoes and a new neutral lunch bag to be obtained... Poor Mikey is now starting to get nervous and I am finding it really hard not to show how nervous/anxious I am as well. This is really the totally wrong place for him and I can't trust the staff to look after him for me yet. Eventually I hope I will - but so far I am yet to see anything that gives any indication of future care for him. I'm half tempted to call the school and tell that what I will do to them if anything at all happens to or hurts my son. Watching the news this evening talking about a lack of care and understanding for people with autism I am not feeling any happier or confident. In myself I am just getting lower and lower. I feel even more worthless as every day passes and I just have nobody to talk to. I can't talk to Andy as I don't want to add to his problems, but his mother still won't speak to me, a...

Really having a tough few days at the moment. I can't talk to Andy as he has more than enough to cope with as he is back at work now - well working from Home with Mikey and me still getting under his feel and creating too much noise for him to concentrate. As for me, I'm worrying about Mikey starting at the North next week as I am still sure it is the wrong place for him. He is also getting nervous and I am doing my best not to let him see how I feel. It is obviously starting to really get to me a I've had a full blown panic attack this afternoon and the pain in my chest really did feel like another heart attack. But I went upstairs and calmed myself without unloading onto Andy. Mum has just called about a very close friend who has been rushed into Hospital in Norwich after part of her bowel burst. They have also discovered that she has cancer there as well, but have managed to remove all that they found... Her late husband is the wonderful man that Mikey is named after. th...

I am having my own, personal mini crisis at the moment. This week Andy has been off work and we've been busy making family memories together with Mikey...But my overwhelming memory is just that I have no energy and I keep letting him down. That I send him off with Dad to do stuff when I just can't cope. I hate that i let him down so much simply because I'm too tired all the time. I hate this disease....to the outside world I look completely normal and fine, but on the inside I am falling apart and dying.  I also have no clue where I really belong and I know I've never done anything to make anyone proud of me - Basically I'm just a waste of space and time. I didn't take up my university place, marry a high over achieving successful business man or produce a scarily intelligent child... I had a normal life but unfortunately I'm now in a place which has never felt like home and will never feel like a place I belong. As I'm really not in a position to work a...

I have reached the end of my very short tether at the moment. Mikey has decided that he is totally unable to sleep at night - and it appears that if he doesn't sleep neither will anyone else. Just after midnight he started crying and it took a very long time to calm him down enough to actually try to go to sleep! I have still got a horribly painful back and my headache is now well into it's 3rd week and I am sure someone is currently inside my head practising a drum solo. We had been hoping to take Mikey to Dreamland tomorrow - but they are operating on limited numbers and rides so we are heading to the Dockyard instead. Apparently Mikey will be able to row a lifeboat, visit a submarine and a large ship. I'm just hoping we will be able to wear him out so he will sleep and let me try to sleep as well! He is heading to the Rare Breeds Centre on Thursday with Crossroads so we will need to provide a packed lunch without any of the usual school restrictions! I am now dreading wh...

 Today has not gone well... I woke up and realised that as well as my skin going back to my teenage years my face is decidedly puffy. My hands are the same and getting a ring on is painful; plus by the middle of the afternoon I have wonderful cankles... But on a more positive note I coped with driving to Mums, helping her with lunch, tidying up and I drove home! Now I am totally knackered with the headache from hell pounding away as it has for the last few weeks. My back is also complaining if I stand up, move or try to bend over!! Basically it feels as though my whole body is about to give up completely. If I'm  honest at the moment I just want the bloody things to fail. I will then know exactly where I am and what I am meant to be doing. I hate all this waiting around for something to finally happen.

 I've had my blood results back - thankfully my iron is pretty much at a normal/acceptable level but I am still completely exhausted and an energy free zone in all things. Andy is currently asleep again (If he snores I am not responsible for my actions) and Mikey has retired upstairs after spending a morning being unbelievably annoying. I am also not liking the pleasure he seems to find in slapping or hitting me. I am feeling even more isolated, useless and that being here is a total waste of space, time and effort. At the moment there is nothing I can think of to do to try to cheer myself up. I certainly don't want to try some of the things my head is suggesting - although some of them would end this issue for me. I hate feeling this worthless but it is just getting more and more frequent and I don't know what to do. There is no point phoning my GP as they really do not give a toss and mental health is way down their lidt of problems that need urgent help. The counsellor t...

 I am finding it increasingly difficult to explain how I am feeling at the moment. Tuesday was wonderful, we all wnt to visit the Tower of London as a family, we bumped into a friend on our way to the station and I got onto the train without a panic attack. The first time that has happened for a very long time. The actual journey was fast and smooth, the hike to the underground exhausting for me, but we made it to the Tower and gained entry with no problems! Luckily we managed to get straight onto a Warders tour and luckily had Beefy409 as our guide!! He posts frequently on Facebook and his videos and other stuff kept me happily occupied and wanting to visit the Tower all through the various lockdowns and restrictions! He was brilliant, educational and decidedly entertaining, although I'm still not sure about their uniform with a kilt! Luckily the weather stayed fine until we went to a cafe for lunch and a quick dash across to the White Tower meant we were occupied until it all dri...

 • I never have enough energy  • I feel weak  • I feel tired  • It’s hard to concentrate, I feel like I have “brain fog”  • It feels like my heart is beating too fast  • Sometimes my heart skips beats  • I get short of breath  • I am having headaches  • I am not sleeping very well  • My appetite does not seem to be as good as it once was  • My hands and feet won’t stay warm  • I may feel dizzy  • I sometimes feel sad or “down in the dumps”  • It’s hard to do everyday tasks like make a sandwich or walk up stairs  The list above is how I feel all the time, mostly thanks to my kidneys failing and not producing the hormones needed to get me to produce enough red blood cells to carry iron and oxygen and keep me going. IF I am honest I have now had more than enough of this. I have no energy at all, this morning just putting the shopping away left me exhausted and dizzy. I know the heat right now doesn't help, but on Fr...

 I am really struggling at the moment, this heat is far too much for me and my mood is getting continuously darker and harder to cope with. Last night I got annoyed with Andy. Casualty had a story line about a Kidney patient waiting for a transplant, I said I totally understood the patients feeling of having totally no control, and that I knew how he felt. I was told not to be depressing ant I only felt like that as I am ill and that I will feel better when I have had some treatment. This put me into an even worse frame of mind as there is NO CURE for CKD and even a transplant just delays the inevitable for a while, but you will still have the disease. We have had this conversation before and he has seen how annoyed I get when someone asks when I will get better. I want a t-shirt with the definition of chronic on it.  When I went to bed my brain went into overdrive and I've worked out why I don't now who I am anymore. For the whole of this century  and for quite a wile be...

 It has been a tough old week. Mikey went back to school on Monday, but I got a call on Tuesday as he was itching like a crazy thing! I took him an antihistamine but I got the distinct impression they wanted me to take him home, so I did! He was back on Wednesday and after school we dropped him off at Kingswood for his residential held over from last March! He wandered off with is back without a look back! It isn't that he hadn't seen his friends for at least an hour, but he looked quite happy and it meant we could leave quickly before I burst into tears! I had threatened to wear my tiara to drop him off, but was told in no uncertain terms that that would not be allowed... Getting home after dropping him off was odd to say the least, every kids voice I heard had me checking if it was him. Miss Talbot dropped all the Yr 6 parents an e-mail on Thursday morning to say the boys had been up REALLY early (Mikey has confirmed 5am with a sleep time from 2am!) But there had been no mass...

 Poor Mikey is still struggling, his ears and throat have improved and the rash has vanished provided we stop him scratching! But since Thursday he has found it increasingly difficult to walk and grip things with his right hand. I called the GP Thursday afternoon and got the usual 'we are fully booked and too busy - call 111' I was very proud that I didn't just hang up, but I politely said good bye and started calling and joined the queue for help. I spoke to a helpful call handler who got an emergency GP to call me very quickly - it turned out to be a dr from out GP!! I was asked to get Mikey over the Musgrove (where we had gone earlier in the week) as soon as I could, which once we had got him to the car I did! In his slippers as we couldn't get his shoes on... Dr Hussein came out as soon as we arrived and admitted he was stumped, but agreed that the rash had reduced - but Mikey's neuro reaction  was not good so he tried to call the Peadiatric A&E, but couldn...

 I was hoping to have a quiet, relaxing weekend as I was feeling so drained etc. Saturday started off well! Nice weather, an easy drive to Capel and parked at the Battle of Britain Memorial for our Kents Biggest Weekend visit! We started off outside as we needed to wait to go into Scramble. The memorial itself is very moving, while we were there we had a fly by from a plane in D-Day Livery and also an appearance by the Good Year Blimp. Once we went back inside we headed into the Scramble display - watching Mikey trying to use a phone with a dial was hilarious, I had completely forgotten that phones like those have not been around in his lifetime. Seeing him stabbing his finger into the holes to press the number was funny. I eventually gave in when he started trying to instruct the phone and suggested putting his finger in a hole and moving the dial around!  I forgot to tell him to let go of it and he was not impressed at the way his mother collapsed on a chair with the giggles...

 Today was my last day at my Therapy Group in Marchwood. Technically it doesn't officially end until next week - but as I'm having my Iron Infusion on Thursday morning it is cutting it rather fine to be in the woods by 12.30! Going this week I concentrated on chatting to Claire - she has this wonderful ability to make me slow down and feel more relaxed as we pootle through the country lanes. Unfortunately it wasn't just the 2 of us in the bus and poor Claire ended up on the receiving end of a few cruel and sarcastic comments from the third passenger. I just ended up feeling so angry about other comments that are blatant lies and easy to prove to be 100% inaccurate! I just wish she was in a different group - but I don't believe she is avoidable in any therapy groups. I walked up to our usual site in the woods on my own I realised just how much energy I haven't got. By the time I arrived at my destination I was completely exhausted and it took a while to recover and r...

Poor Mikey has been ill all weekend with a horrible ear ache. As it was the weekend our GP was shut so we called 111, who were unbelievably busy, and the Dr finally called us back at about half 11 Saturday night! She diagnosed a middle ear infection (where the pain has spread to a tooth as well) and prescribed a course of antibiotics, sending the prescription to Boots who were open until midnight! As a loving Mum I sent Andy to pick it up (I did let him use my car!!) When Grumpy got back he said the pharmacist felt the dose was too low at 5ml, in April when he had the same thing he was on 10ml, but for once I was being good and stuck to the Drs instructions! We were also pouring Calpol and Neurophen into him every 2 hours on rotation. I'm not happy about doing this, but we have no option as the pain is horrific. As a Renal sufferer I am not allowed to take Ibuprofen so giving it to my child really makes me feel awful. Andy has also stopped taking it since I was diagnosed to ensure ...

 Andy and Mikey have gone to see his Mum. I am very much persona non grata and it is hard to put into words how much this constantly causes me a tremendous amount of pain. I have never been welcomed into her family. I can only assume I am seem as some kind of threat to her. Before we got married she screamed at Andy that he spent too much time with me. At that point I should have started work on convincing him to move away from Ashford. But me being me I just agreed to move over here, away from everyone and everything I knew.  Once we were married we were never left alone to do what we wanted. One weekend my parents came over for lunch and she also arrived and totally ignored them. I am unable to be that rude to anyone. But in one of my therapy sessions I talked about this and my therapist said she was a complete narcissist and as she has already made her mind up about me being a threat to her world she can never change. As Andy is fed up talking to me about how she makes me f...

 I'm  having a horrible dip at the moment. I'm  feeling more worthless than ever and everything just seems to reinforce my complete lack of importance at the moment. I'm not convinced anyone would miss me if I just vanished. I actually know some people would celebrate. Poor Rory is still in pain. I wish I could give him something to help - does alcohol numb pain for animals?? I wish I still liked it so I could try to numb my emotions and forget what I am feeling right now. I might even be able to enjoy some part of my existence. Right now I hate it and just wish it would end or move me anywhere else; hopefully bringing in people who might value me in some way. Mikey and I have not got on well today. I am nagging too much about getting his homework done. All I can think he is going to have one hell of a shock in September when he won't be given weeks to get 3 pieces of work done. He has also spent today in nothing more than a pair of pants, however many times I ask him t...

 Today was Marchwood...My favourite day of the week!! But today someone who has been off for the last couple of weeks was back; but I didn't slap her! There was an awful lot of muttering under my breath = especially as lots of stuff she came out with was so easy to prove wrong. There is no point telling me how WHH deal with Renal cases as I know from bitter experience that they don't and the ONLY renal department in Kent is in Canterbury. The renal unit in Ashford is a satallite and is mainly used for dialysis and occasional consultations and treatments to save patients having to travel to Canterbury. She also objects if you don't exactly agree with her and if you prove she is wrong she sulks and refuses to discuss it or speak about it again. If you are not willing to debate things don't start talking about them! Apparently Trump should still be president to finish his destruction of various Child abuse rings. He was only friends with Epstein because he needed to be ins...

 It is 5 years ago that my Dad died. I was trying not to think about it. I was doing really well until Andy bought me some flowers and I've been close to tears all day. It has also reminded me just how much my mother in law hates me as she spent all morning ignoring increasingly frantic phone calls from me asking for help so I could get to see him. By the time I got there he was already unconscious and had no idea I was there. I can never forgive her for taking away my last chance to speak to him. I would just love to hear his voice again. Andy has been trying to distract me with he dreaded massive number birthday. After last night it appears I am going to have to cope with it stone cold sober as wine tastes awful to me. I may try my chilled red again as I think I have a bottle or 2 left! Failing that I may be toasting my half century with a virgin cocktail... I've even started to seem to go off chocolate. Cadbury's etc need a profits warning!! I bought myself some Milka re...

 Recently has been tough for me, I really feel that I have had enough. For some reason I feel that I need to get things like my funeral planned and my letter of wishes completed and witnessed as I am so worried people I do not want influencing him will try to get too involved in his life.  Having spoken to my nephrologist (finally) he is happy that I have pushed my function up and my creatinine has dropped - but my blood pressure has also shot up and my iron levels are down. I really hate that nobody can give me any time scales for anything, Andy seems to think that I will be on dialysis sooner rather than later . This scares me as nothing has been done about a fistula and I really do not want to start with a neckline as I know I am likely to try to pull it out. I really need to find someone to talk to about all of this. I think Andy is bored of hearing about how worried/scared I am - but I need to get things out. I am also getting fed up with feeling so worthless and such a w...

 I got my bloods done for my appointment on Friday - the fantastic news is my eGFR has gone up and my creatinine has come down...unfortunately my iron has also fallen and explains why I am feeling so awful in comparison to my usual normal feeling awful! I also have some weird ridges appearing on my nails, they are really brittle and my hair is coming out in clumps. My hands are unbelievably itchy and look as though the skin is just turning into white dust...all the hand cream/moisturizer i have got just makes them itch even more. I am seriously considering using my new. very sharp vegetable peeler and removing a few layers of skin to try to stop it. I'm still waiting to hear anything from PALs, I haven't chased them basically because I jsut can't be bothered and I am so fed up with being told I will be called back. I am now thinking |I will make a concerted effort next week if I manage to build up some energy over the weekend. TO be honest all I want at the moment is for so...

 Finally starting to feel a tad more human now so I went back to March Wood today. The woods always make me feel so much better and just being there helps me feel so much more grounded and relaxed for once. While I was there today we make daisy balm, mine are scented with Lavender and Eucalyptus so hopefully the lavender might help me sleep....(well I can dream!) We also did some tie dyeing with flower and vegetable dyes...Mine is still drying but I was quite proud of it! I remembered from out attempt to do this when I was at Middle School that it needed to be tied tightly! Getting the tie off was a challenge, but I was happy with it! Once Mikey was home from School, he headed to the park so Andy and I headed off to exercise out democratic vote...I had a discussion on the way home about voting - but having studied politics for 2 years I had it drummed into me that if I don't vote I have no right to moan about the result as I was not part of making that decision! Mrs Risdell-Smith c...

Recently it appears that my brain has been reconnecting parts which were damaged in 2008 when I had my stroke. My 3 nights with very  little sleep have resulted in lots of memories of our wedding flooding back - unfortunately not the nice ones; but mostly things which I would love to forget so I guess it is time for another stroke. My main recollection is being asked be guests invited by my family why my new mother in law looked so upset and grumpy...Not really a question you want on the day you get married. I was already not happy as she was wearing the same colour as me, but my German friend asked why she looked so upset and close to tears. I suppose I should have said because her son has married me, but at that point I was still hoping for a normal type relationship, even after I had learned how often I was going to have to lie or simply not tell her things as she wasn't able to cope. This started at our engagement party which, to be honest, was her party and not ours. I was not...

 My cough has not really improved much...But as I keep reminding Andy, sitting on a plane to Orlando usually sorts it out...!! Mikey is now at home with an inner ear infection - hopefully I will be forgiven for applying pressure in various points under instruction from the nurse practitioner as she could hear the yelps of pain!! He has antibiotics prescribed which we can pick up later. Having suffered really badly with ear infections growing up I can totally empathise and hope it passes soon so I can get some sleep!! Other health news - I have managed to book my 2nd jab!!! It will be tomorrow and means that aoon I will have as much protection as possible!! Makes me feel a whole lot happier and hopefully I will be less worried going out anywhere... Although I'm still not keen on being around too many people. Personally I am still feeling sick about 90% of the time and I have found that Sainsbury's Butter Mintoes help with the foul taste in my mouth and settling my stomach! Most ...

 I am still battling my wonderful cough...I have been quite intrigued by the shape my hernia can create when I cough, if it didn't hurt so much it would be funny - but pain is taking that away from me. On Friday we met an ex-work colleague of Andy for a coffee, after I walked around half of the old part of the Outlet Centre and I'm still paying the price for it. Andy was actually impressed at the speed I managed - but I now know that trying to do that was totally insane. I am also so fed up at my complete lack of energy. PALs have not bothered to call me back yet, my 2nd vaccine should be tomorrow - but nobody from Canterbury Hospital has called me, my blood pressure is way up - but my GP won't do anything about it as they don't want to mess with my meds. I probably need antibiotics to kick this cough into touch, but there are so few they can give me they just procrastinate until I go away. Ever feel that you are beyond unimportant? Because that is how I am feeling righ...

 I have moved on from Covid to Bronchitis! I have a lovely and very productive cough which is now exhausting me even more than normal. We got the latest update from KCC re Mikey's next school yesterday. As I sort of expected thay changed nothing at all; but I also got an e-mail from Lenham advising me to not lose hope as they are now working through the kids who Mikey is part of and will be in touch if a place comes up. So now it is just a case of waiting again while all the Grammar appeals are got through in Maidstone and Ashford. Part of me is still tempted to get him into another Maidstone school to be honest, but then he would be so far from any friends he makes. I am just terrified of what could happen to him and how going to the North will change him from the lovely boy I know he is. I guess it is also linked to how much I hate living over here. I'm a west Kent girl, not East. I have never felt settled and at home here, but I have no idea where I would feel that now; mayb...

 Mikey is now safely back at school, I was going to say happily - but that would be a lie!! We finally got his homework done, or at least finished! The last bit was a long way from what was actually requested, but knowing Mikey he will talk his way out of it! Yesterday we celebrated the end of the holidays with a trip to Greatstone (or maybe Littlestone) to have ice cream! Mikey wore more that he ate I think and we both ended up with ice cream headaches!! But it was rather nice ice cream and mine was studded and coated with mint aero - as only vanilla ice cream was available that made up for not getting mint choc chip! As I'm still having frequent dizzy spells I let Andy do the driving and dealt with all the questions from the back seat...and he was full of them as well as listing all the shops in every place we drove through!! I will admit to asking him to stop that! Sleep is still something I am struggling with. I can fall asleep easily but staying asleep is a completely differen...

As usual, last night I was extremely tired. Andy was watching some thing on his phone but I'm sure I dozed of during it! The only problem I had was once I dozed, I kept dozing. Even though I go lots of lovely naps, I kept waking up and then dozing off again. What I would give for a decent deep sleep...I may still need someone to just tap me on the head every night to encourage passing out!! And I do mean tap - I have enough headaches on a 'normal' day as it is!  This afternoon Mikey is off for an Afternoon with Crossroads who run a group for Young Carers. As usual he is in a t shirt and shorts and the poor lady running it is worried he will be cold! I must have looked like such a cruel mother trying to assure her that he will be fine! Even during to intermittant snow over the last couple of days he has worn exactly what he is wearing today...I can only assume his genetic boiler is working well which means I am actually an envious Mum! I'm far more used to shivering and ...

 Today is the next step in bringing the UK out of lockdown...all none essential shops. hairdressers, barbers, pubs and restaurants can open. But the last 2 can only have customers sat outside... Plus today is cold and it has snowed! Hopefully the so called 'normal' people will not go totally crazy and move into pub gardens! Gyms, pools and other leisure parks (i.e. zoos) have also reopened today - but again it really is not the weather to take a picnic to a zoo!! I celebrated this return to normality by visiting Sainsbury's! I know how to celebrate don't you think! Essentials such as tissues and strong paracetamol were needed as a matter of urgency so I went and got them myself for the first time in a year! I managed to go and come back before Mikey dragged himself out of his pit! He is currently out in his usual shorts and t-shirt at a park meeting up with friends from school. Unfortunately Andy and I had forgetten that his watch is set to do not disturb during school ...

I have no clue what time Andy came up to bed last night - I had been threatening to smother him the night before after all snoring! I did get lots of dozes last night, but deep, relaxing restful sleep was definitely missing and I have had the usual waking up feeling as tired as when I went to bed last night. I have completely had enough now...I managed to rustle up spaghetti bolognese last night but I nearly collapsed while I did it. The dizzy spells are getting worse and worse and my blood pressure is still coming up as at least hypertension stage 1 requiring medication everytime I take it - but when I call my GP and eventually speak to a Dr I am just told that they don't want to mess around with my current medication. I still can't get hold of my nephrologist and I feel that I am just an annoyance to everyone. But I really cannot carry on feeling like this - I could just sleep all day; but that us not fair on Andy and Mikey. I would love to just get out with Mikey next week a...

Following on from the Death of the Duke of Edinburgh yesterday I have been recalling my interactions with members of the Greek Royal Family in Exile.... I was the contact for them at one point when I was working for Royal Insurance and Royal and Sun Alliance. At one point hearing that Prince Nicolas was on the phone for me was enough for me to go and hide in the ladies!!  Many commentators have stated that the Duke was an intelligent man who was far ahead of his time, especially in relation to his work for the environment. All I can say is he had all the brains and the rest of his family....not so much! I called my Mum yesterday as I have hardly spoken to her this week...I now know that I need to get hold of a 3 day eventing safety vest for her. These turn into a sort of air bag if you fall from your horse. As she has managed to fall over a garden curb this week and is decidedly battered from head to toe, I think she needs a wearable airbag! As Miff decided she needed sweet tea to ...

 Today, 19 years ago, Andy and I were sat at Gatwick Airport waiting to board a plane for Orlando. While we were sat at the gate, there was a 2 minute silence announced as the Queen Mother's funeral was happening. Also at the gate were 2 women with the biggest hand luggage I have ever seen who were trying to repack all the shopping they had done at the airport into the suitcase sized bags they were claiming were hand luggage. They had English accents so could not claim they didn't understand the frequent announcements being made, but were still unable to communicate quietly; much preferring yelling that led to Andy telling me to calm down as I loudly 'whispered' that I couldn't understand how they could be so rude and disrespectful. (Although today he has said he should have been as forceful as I wanted to be) Today it has been announced that her son in law, the Duke of Edinburgh has died at the age of 99. For some reason it has affected me... I accept that having w...

 We had a quiet day, the only family member who contacted us was my Mum. I assume my Mothers in Law are both in mourning that I am still here!  Mikey just wants to know why we had to get married before he could grace us with his presence!! This morning the weather seemed to be exactly as it was 19 years ago, sunny but cold. I really wish I could remember more about the day; looking back over the photos I remember my veil trying to take off and after we had more photos at the reception  I gave up on it completely! It pretty much removed itself anyway! I also remember comments about the colour the mother of the groom was wearing as it really looked like an outfit to get married in. I have also noticed from the photos that the flowers I had specially chosen for the 2 mothers were not worn. I have a recollection that I had chosen flowers she did not approve of, I also had not got button holes for all members of both families - but they still appeared. This wedding was not arr...